The Beeble of Crispy Dash Night

A seasonal poe pum in four spits
by Nick Gisburne

Inspired by The Book of Gibberish
Subscribe: ghostofdayinperson

---

Spit the Worms

Wilt thou listen, my screebers? Give hark to my tale
To the Beeble of Crispy Dash Night
Though thy bibs be full glutted, nogs wizzled with ale
Fuddle in, slink the door, grim the light

In the tweeny of Nazbeth there wimpled a maid
Thence to Maisy an Ungle did tweeve
With a bazzle of brillums and glitting cascade
Quoth the Ungle, "Sweet Maisy, believe!"

"I have swung hence from Higgins, beyond the poo sky
And bring missage and bruise from Lord Spod
Thou shalt bear him a babbums, Spod's gravy, his fry."
And he sniggled her miff with his rod

Maisy's hubbling, young Slow-Deaf, nebbed aught of this plan
Though his peeps spied the spand in her girth
So on quinkies they jungled to Bethum-ham-han
To the sween of the bab's Viking birth

Twas a nox like no other, full bust were the nins
For their squint they could find not a jume
Till a rundly old keepman gave solace and grins
In the stubble where mookers did loom

Slow-Deaf's gaze was sore fuzzled as Maisy did squat
With the babbums the Ungle foretold
From betwixt her spread neggies the Younger Spod shot
Leaving mama's bare miff wincey cold

So she papped him with widdling and gayed him in clay
'gainst the fristious, frozbinum night
Then anuncified longly (the keepman did say)
"Here is Cheeses! What cradish delight!"

---

Spit the Bacon

'top the hillard o'er Bethum lay sheppies at seat
Heaping switch on their barlums all eve
While the lums gave good nibble, the sheps nitched their feet
For the fristing kite gave them much grieve

As they tivelled their hookies and siddered the sky
In the carp nest flished dizzy bee light
And with clangitass grunder, from Higgins on high
Zimmed the Ungle of Spod into sight

"Shigger not," quoth the Ungle, full nebbing their drib
But they shiggered anon for a tweam
"Tip thy lugs," quoth again he, "and ganter thy nib.
Hear the noz that I fling all abeam."

And he spooked them of Cheeses, of Maisy, and Spod
For the gravy was Ding among Den
When the sheppies paid quizit, the bab was a-nod
For the timmo showed leet (almost ten)

"'tis the gravy," they chummered. "All Hamish the Ding!"
And they booed on their tummocks and whupped
Unto Maisy their hankus was dacious and fring
For the Viking that no hum had tupped

Lo, the sheppies were jibbous, for this was their Sav
Come to nurkle each swimmer with paste
And for Cheeses their woodchip was lampus and clav
Taking noz to their hillard in haste

---

Spit the Mould

Now a spinkly new brillum grew daz in the skee
Glimpsed by yeastily mung, rolled and pies
Thrice-fold beardical duffoes cast peeps to the pea
And did stromigonomicalise

In their scrillies was writtled a predicatil
And its tulligal tex gave exhort
"Let us chum," sang the duffoes, "and follow the brill
'Tis a sign of tremungulous port"

And to fingle this kinko, the wisdial mung
Took a jungle Joslamapam way
To the cratto of Beebod, its roolious kung
Whose great luggies tipped all they did say

"We be strommers, O Beebod, in chaz of yon brill
Seeking aud with bo-babbums anew
Dost the gravy lie hither? Give shuft if thou will
Haze the tod - flymow Ding, lawnmow Doo!"

But to Beebod their rattle gave grumious frum
And to lucify chowder he furred
"I would trot to this bo-ding, whence backard ye come
Bring me geopositional word"

Soon the mung rivved in Bethum, most hulio night
Yet confangoed they fingled him still
Till the brillum, full dazzy, the stubble did light
And to Cheeses the duffoes did nil

Bringing spits full and splendif, trogged long on their germs
Each a primmertag, spensivo tring
'twas three spits they did offal - mould, bacon scent, worms
And in jummilai woodchip did sing

On the retinal jungle the mung paid no stop
And to Beebod spock nutterly void
'twas the Ungle gave tippy of Beebod's vile chop
To the neddles of Beth's gravy boid

That the bab was in piddle young Slow-Deaf took drum
Quick to Egg-Wiped the fammo did traip
Now the Nitty Vit Stirry falls culiar mum
Not a soss can we grimble or scrape

---

Spit the Funeral

'tis a Beeble, good screebers, a mitty, no more
For this end of a leg is full fict
Cummerbund to thy santy, bliv not this be jen
Let not relly-ginitis afflict

Mayhap aye there be Maisy, and Slow-Deaf the hub
And a babbums - such gravies be norm
But from Higgins, an Ungle, some wingular chub?
How canst bliv in this follious gorm?

Banish thunks to its truvy, prof podger none zist
Unto Viking a fant was ne'er gat
Though her miff be well tiggled, the cert lay atwist
Nay, not Spod, atop Slow-Deaf yon sat

Not a maid but a mussy, not Viking but vix
Yea, in shamulous trot they did germ
Venting hushifal sea crows a Beeble might fix
And discrepiant babbums confirm

And the sheppies? Thrice addled, a skunkifo crew
With cold mungo saw gain to the plan
Further witterling dunkos, apaid and abrew
Stood as duffoes and stubble keepman

And to Beebod? No scrillies give writtle to this
Though in hissy was writtified much
Yet the Beeble tripped speedo, from kisser to kiss
And now duncified churlkins bliv such

Be ye not such a churlkin, nounce fully the yarm
Cast all peeps to the mooker-dun sight
Of the nonsico mitty, most twaddifal barm
In the Beeble of Crispy Dash Night

A new title, a new look, and Blasphemy! Anthems for Atheists is now available!

To buy the book right now CLICK HERE

Want to download sample book pages and songs? CLICK HERE

Stay tuned for more information and of course much more blasphemy!(Click for larger cover pictures)

---

Blasphemy! Anthems for Atheists
Atheist poetry... with a difference!

Three Little Parts Of God Are We I Am The Very Model Of A Knowledgeable Atheist A School Full of Science Freak Cult Sci-Fi Al-Qaeda! They'll Say Anything Their Religion Is Insane So You Wanna Be A Baptist Praying For The World To End Meatball Wiccan Proof Is All That I Want Does It Annoy You? Creationists Can Their Chanting's Really Getting On My Nerves Godless and Free Communion Wine I Have Found Confusing Why Should God Be On A Murder Charge? Religion Is Just A Con-Trick Indoctrinate, Indoctrinate, Indoctrinate! They Stop By Most You're An Atheist Don't Fight With Dumb Fools Drink The Communion Wine Don't Call Me Christ, I'm Christina Theory Christ Is Too Fat To Weigh God Is A Waste Of Space Resist! There's Mo Hammad, He's So Hammered The Bible Is Full Of Crap She's In A Trance Alright If You Can Those Old Fat Catholics They're Controlling Our World God Is In Retreat Meet The Latter-Day Saints The Trouble Is Your Religion What's This Crap? It's Creation Science I Am Tripping Who Thinks That God Was Never There? Prove It's God World Ain't Ending Pre-Teen Preacher From Bible Class Don't Save Me Don't Believe In God Or Father Christmas That's The Worst Reason I've Heard God Is A Kinky Old Perv A Dangerous Parasite A Muddle Of Doctrine It's Just Another Book Of Fairy Tales And Lies

Scientologists You Can't Stop Blasphemy See The Preacher's Threat Get Stoning One Last God What Can He Do? Christ Is A Lie That They've Sold Us That's Trash Don't Wanna Be Judged By You None Of Us Knows Their Resistance God's A Virgin Bride Explorer Jesus Needs Shampoo I'll Never Be A Muslim The Fakest Faith By Far They Praise, Preach, Hate, Chant And Sing He's Obsessed Jesus Is Round The Church Of Mindless Grins Your Faith Is My Hell Kosher Bacon Pies In Heaven Life Is Lame Real Science Can Change the World Thorn Crown, Loin Cloth And Nails Nobody Needs Religion Now Victims Religion Will Deceive You Creation's Lame Pole Dancers In The Mosque You're Wasting Your Prayers I've Had Too Much Of The Holy Spirit Gays God Never Replies Secular Jewish, Busty And Hung Over Osama's Koran! Never Needed A Soul A Logical Fallacy If You Are A Christian Muhammad's Old G-String Rubber Crucifix Without Proof God Is A Joke Where Did All Of Their Brains Go? Menacing Goals Win A Sinner Dinner On Christian Quiz Night Don't Find Faith With The Fairies A Preacher Teaching Each Of Us A Comedy Creed Jesus Looked At Porn Instead Of Helping Others God Is Never There Virgin Mary's Butt Was Tight

As you can imagine, removing all my videos from YouTube didn't exactly thrill people. But hey ho, never mind! Onwards and upwards! I will be re-launching the book in 2009 (absolutely not via YouTube!), and while the songs will remain the same, I will be dropping that 'The Musical' sub-title. I have a few things in mind to replace it, but it has to go. It says little about the book's content and one or two people even told me how I'd got it all wrong, that for it a be a musical the songs inside should be linked together with a story, that that's how 'real' musicals work. Except of course that the book isn't a musical, and was never intended to be one. It's a book of songs from musicals. And so, yes, the sub-title is misleading. It's gone.

The hot favourite (today at least) is to call the book Blasphemy! Anthems for Atheists. I like the word 'anthems' because it's generic enough to cover both songs and poetry (and of course the book is both), as well as beginning with the letter 'A' - gotta love that alliteration! Putting the word 'atheist' in the title may also bring in people who would search on major book sites for books about atheism.

If you've already bought the book, no need to buy it again for something which simply has a new title/cover. You will of course own a book which has a very exclusive distribution, so if I ever hit the big time, hold onto those rare copies of the first edition!

I'll be redesigning the web site soon. In a past life I was a web designer and computer programmer, so I think I'm up to the task. There's already lots of hidden technical wizardy delivering the site to you, but I will try to spice things up a little. The best ideas always come from looking at other sites which work well and 'borrowing' their ideas. Can anyone say 'evolution'?! That will all come when I decide what to actually do with this web site, of course. I will be promoting my books a little more prominently, and certainly this blog is a key part of the site. Everything else can go! Er, just kidding!

Also in 2009 I will be writing a follow-up to Blasphemy! Anthems for Atheists (yep, I'm liking it already) with exactly the same idea - famous songs given new, atheist-targeted lyrics. I haven't decided what genre of songs to use next time, but it may well be musicals again, or perhaps famous pop songs. I enjoyed writing the Michael Jackson parody so who knows, that may even be one of the songs in the new book. Another way I could go is to do exactly what the old title suggests - a book with a theme, a storyline. That would be much more challenging and perhaps far more restricting in some respects, but I'll give it some thought.

Does it concern me that my second book wasn't well-received by my YouTube audience? Of course it does. But it's also kicked away that crutch, the 'assumed support' of a previous audience. A post-launch reality check tells me that I had only 6000 (rapidly dwindling!) subscribers anyway. That's not exactly a world stage is it? I should aim higher. So that's the plan for 2009. All change!

I've just found out that good old Michael Jackson, the man with a face like a smashed Pinnochio puppet, has become... guess what? A Muslim.

Yes, he's converted to Islam, mainly because he was too fucking weird for the Scientologists, so they told him to fuck off. But Islam, they'll let anybody join, so he's in. So one more reason to laugh at the weiro, eh?

Remember that he has kids, so now instead of covering them with a blanket he can hide them in Burqas instead. Niiice!

So anyway, as it's Michael Jackson, or should I say 'Mikaeel Jackson' cos he's also changed his name (a bit) I've adapted one of his songs to remind us what Islam is all about.

This is not in my book, mainly because I only wrote it today, but if you want 100 more song parodies like this, they are all in there, so give it a try.

This song is 'Billy Jean', but my version is 'Silly Dreams'. My singing days are now over, but feel free to sing along in your own video!

I dedicate this song to AtheistAtLARGE, who knows all about this subject. Cheers, AAL!

---

Silly Dreams

Click to play the video
(The miserable buggers don't allow embedding)

---

Well one religion seems really keen To expand unseen You need reminding? Where have you been? Islam's the one To advance, ever more, all around We stand passive and numb In a trance, with their laws we are bound And every day on the TV screen It's the same routine Concessions given 'cause Islam seems Honest to some Not a chance, it's a war, look around Freedom's getting sold, we Don't think it can be true Islam is found taking ours apart But when it takes a hold we Should stand and say, 'Enough!' Back down or just refuse It's time for us to choose Silly dreams are what they offer It's just absurd, don't be a Muslim, it's dumb They forbid what we call fun Some day Islam we'll shun And be rid of what they've done They hate all gays, put girls out of sight This to them is right But see them scream if you make a stand Hear their demands See them march to your door, break it down They claim Islam is nice But to insult their faith there's a price Islam has made us too blind to see We are far from free Too much protection for Muslim lies Soon we may find That the land we adore can't be found When Islam takes a hold we Don't like it but it's true But realise the reaction starts If you think I won't fight, try me That should never be assumed Our freedom isn't doomed And change is coming soon Silly dreams are what they offer It's just absurd, don't be a Muslim, it's dumb Who could live with faith so numb? Silly dreams are what they offer It's just absurd, don't be a Muslim, it's dumb They forbid what we call fun Some day Islam we'll shun And be rid of what they've done

The old videos are gone from my YouTube account. Here's why.

The whole point of creating something new, my 'Blasphemy' book, was to try to push people into a new direction, to explore something different. And yet what happened?

People started to unsubscribe. Some of them messaged me to say they didn't like what I was now doing and that I should make 'videos like the ones you used to make'. This was not just one or two - at least 200 subscribers left my channel the moment I started releasing my atheist poetry videos.

Promoting a book of songs is always tricky when your singing voice is as bad as mine, but I hoped people could see through that and listen to the words instead. It's amazing how naive I could have been to think that. On every single video I made, 90% of the comments were something like 'your singing is awful'. Really? Didn't I say exactly that on the title screen of the videos themselves? No shit, Sherlock - big surprise to me. Not.

Then, when I uploaded videos of me reciting the videos as straight, spoken-word poems, the comments were 'much better than your singing'. Again, few comments on the actual content. One or two people said, 'Bring back the singing' so I stupidly uploaded another singing video and it reverted to 'don't sing, you can't sing, you're a terrible singer... etc'.

And always, every time I uploaded a new video, people would tell me to go back to what I used to do, to make videos like I used to make, to be the old Gisburne2000, while my subscriber numbers just went down and down and down as people left my channel.

I worked for 14 long and hard weeks on my new book, and I did it because I thought it would be something I could enjoy sharing with the other atheists on YouTube. A few people left some appreciative comments, but they were in a minority. I have completely misjudged people and made the biggest mistake of my life by expecting atheists to be different from anyone else, expecting them to welcome something new and different. Far from enjoying the experience, it just left me feeling cold and hostile to the very people to whom I try to reach out every time I make a video. I have hated almost every minute of the experience of announcing my book release on YouTube, and that was something I did not anticipate.

Most people watching my YouTube channel seem to want more of the same. They don't want to be taken down other, new paths. Gisburne2000 to them is someone who makes clever statements about religion. Poetry? Nah, he doesn't do that, he makes videos about evolution, about Noah's Ark, about bananas and motherfucking pineapples. I am so sick of being told how great that video with the pineapple is, and how much people like the 'I am God' video. Fuck that. I am done with it.

My web site will be undergoing major, and I mean major surgery. Out with the old and in with the new. The new is whatever I put my mind to, whatever interests me. The 'old' are the videos I made long ago and which are gone for good. I have deleted all but a few of the videos in my YouTube account. I've done that before but this time I will not be reviving any of my old videos again. Ever.

People either don't like my new book idea or don't understand it, and that's fine, I can deal with that. To some extent that is down to my inability to communicate exactly what it is. But what I despise most of all is being asked to forget it, to take a dozen steps back, to do exactly what everyone else is doing - the same thing they always did. I am not who I was. I have moved on. I still believe in everything I said in those old atheist videos, but if you long for 'the good old days', tough luck. These are the good new days.

Welcome to the present, to my present. This is Nick Gisburne now, doing his own thing, in his own way, as all independent freethinkers should strive to do. That is what I've always tried to do. You just never noticed. Maybe one day I will be able to get your attention and make you think. I hope so. I'll try.

Cheers

Nick Gisburne

I'll shortly be explaining why my recent brief flirtation with YouTube started badly, went nowhere and ended dismally. For now, enjoy what was for me the sparkling highlight of the week, when Namari12 created this wonderful version of a song using my version of the lyrics:

If you were watching my YouTube channel on the 14th you'll have seen a less than spectacular silent slideshow video announcing the release of Blasphemy! The Musical. To be honest, by that point I was so utterly drained from the effort of creating the book that the last thing I wanted to do was make a video. In fact as my friends would probably tell you, it was all I could do to speak coherently by then! However, I've now had a chance to recharge my batteries and this afternoon I made a new video.

Correction. I made TWENTY TWO new videos!

Yes indeed, I've recorded myself singing 22 of the songs from the book, and probably would have done more had I not got the munchies and gone for something to eat. So what does this all mean? What it means is that for days (maybe weeks) to come I will be uploading songs from the book onto YouTube. You will be able to see just how good the songs are and, as a bonus, how utterly BAD my singing voice really is!

I need to add an intro to each of the songs first so you're not going to see them all at once (the horror of such an experience would probably close YouTube permanently) but expect something very soon.

Forget the X-Factor - I have the Y-Factor... WHY? OH WHY?!!

---

Note to self: look into the coercion angle - 'buy my book or your ear drums will suffer'.

I've now added a great new section to the web site which will allow anyone who buys the book (whadya mean what book?!) to match the songs in it with YouTube videos so that you can all sing along with the blasphemous version of the lyrics!

Just click on the Blasphemy! The Musical link on the left side of every web page and you'll see a list of all 100 songs. It's as easy as clicking on the title. All 100 songs are available (even some which are now missing from YouTube).

Note that this page is the section mentioned in the book - I've been working flat out to get it done before the first books are delivered. Yes, people are buying the book already! Yay!

Don't forget that there are sample pages available too, so even if you don't have the book yet you still have access to several complete songs, free of charge.

Have fun!

Blasphemy! The Musical is finally available!

To buy the book right now CLICK HERE

Want to download sample book pages and songs? CLICK HERE

Stay tuned for more information and of course much more blasphemy!(Click for larger cover pictures)

---

Blasphemy! The Musical
100 Blasphemous Broadway Show Tunes!

Three Little Parts Of God Are We I Am The Very Model Of A Knowledgeable Atheist A School Full of Science Freak Cult Sci-Fi Al-Qaeda! They'll Say Anything Their Religion Is Insane So You Wanna Be A Baptist Praying For The World To End Meatball Wiccan Proof Is All That I Want Does It Annoy You? Creationists Can Their Chanting's Really Getting On My Nerves Godless and Free Communion Wine I Have Found Confusing Why Should God Be On A Murder Charge? Religion Is Just A Con-Trick Indoctrinate, Indoctrinate, Indoctrinate! They Stop By Most You're An Atheist Don't Fight With Dumb Fools Drink The Communion Wine Don't Call Me Christ, I'm Christina Theory Christ Is Too Fat To Weigh God Is A Waste Of Space Resist! There's Mo Hammad, He's So Hammered The Bible Is Full Of Crap She's In A Trance Alright If You Can Those Old Fat Catholics They're Controlling Our World God Is In Retreat Meet The Latter-Day Saints The Trouble Is Your Religion What's This Crap? It's Creation Science I Am Tripping Who Thinks That God Was Never There? Prove It's God World Ain't Ending Pre-Teen Preacher From Bible Class Don't Save Me Don't Believe In God Or Father Christmas That's The Worst Reason I've Heard God Is A Kinky Old Perv A Dangerous Parasite A Muddle Of Doctrine It's Just Another Book Of Fairy Tales And Lies

Scientologists You Can't Stop Blasphemy See The Preacher's Threat Get Stoning One Last God What Can He Do? Christ Is A Lie That They've Sold Us That's Trash Don't Wanna Be Judged By You None Of Us Knows Their Resistance God's A Virgin Bride Explorer Jesus Needs Shampoo I'll Never Be A Muslim The Fakest Faith By Far They Praise, Preach, Hate, Chant And Sing He's Obsessed Jesus Is Round The Church Of Mindless Grins Your Faith Is My Hell Kosher Bacon Pies In Heaven Life Is Lame Real Science Can Change the World Thorn Crown, Loin Cloth And Nails Nobody Needs Religion Now Victims Religion Will Deceive You Creation's Lame Pole Dancers In The Mosque You're Wasting Your Prayers I've Had Too Much Of The Holy Spirit Gays God Never Replies Secular Jewish, Busty And Hung Over Osama's Koran! Never Needed A Soul A Logical Fallacy If You Are A Christian Muhammad's Old G-String Rubber Crucifix Without Proof God Is A Joke Where Did All Of Their Brains Go? Menacing Goals Win A Sinner Dinner On Christian Quiz Night Don't Find Faith With The Fairies A Preacher Teaching Each Of Us A Comedy Creed Jesus Looked At Porn Instead Of Helping Others God Is Never There Virgin Mary's Butt Was Tight

Blasphemy! The Musical will be officially released tomorrow, 14 November 2008. Definitely. It's done, it's checked, it's uploaded to the publisher, it's 100% complete and ready. Not long to wait then? Well...

As promised, those of you who visit this web site can buy the book a day early. That's right - it's available NOW!

Click right here to buy Blasphemy! The Musical right now!

But this is just between us, okay? It's our little secret... just until tomorrow anyway!

Okay, so the 12th was an 'almost certain' release date, so I'm able to tell you that the book will not be finished by the 12th after all. It's all down to the long job of adding pictures, so here's why there will be a delay:

My original plan was to sprinkle a few well-chosen images here and there in the book, just to liven it up a little. Then when I got down to it I realised that I could find more suitable pictures than I had anticipated. And now I'm aiming to put at least one picture on every two-page spread, just because I can! I have 25 such 'spreads' left to do, and with my limit of 10 pix per day (imposed by my subscription to the picture library I'm using) that is 3 days. That will be Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. So...

Friday 14 November 2008 is definitely the planned release date for Blasphemy! The Musical and it would take a major disaster for that not to happen now. Nothing is ever 100% certain, but I am more certain than ever that the book will be out on Friday. Two extra days isn't too bad, and the finished, picture-laden book will not disappoint, I promise you.

See you soon!

The proof copy of Blasphemy! The Musical has arrived! And it looks great! More than great! In fact... it looks every bit as good as I'd hoped, and I had very high hopes. Of course since then I've been adding dozens of pictures to the book, so the finished article will be even better than the copy I have in my grubby little paws.

The proof copy of the book was ordered early (minus most of the pictures inside) just to confirm that the cover worked well and the pages looked good. It's a slightly shorter book (192 pages) than The Atheists Are Revolting! (216 pages) so I had to make sure that the title fits onto the spine, and all the other technical stuff to do with fonts, margins, etc. Nothing to worry about - it's all good.

The pictures I'm using are really putting the icing on the cake. I'm using a subscription to a reputable stock photo agency, which involves searching through zillions of images, but how do you find something which would go well with a song called Jewish, Busty And Hung Over? It takes a lot of time and no small measure of lateral thinking, I can tell you, but it's all falling into place.

I have around 30 images still to add to the book and I'm currently adding 10 per day, so here's that date again: 12 November 2008. It's looking like I will definitely release the book on that date. You'll hear it here first because I may not make a YouTube announcement immediately, so for those of you dedicated enough to hang around this web site, you'll be the first to know. See you in 4 days!

All being well, Blasphemy! The Musical will be available 12 November 2008. However, that does depend on everything going to plan - if the proof copy doesn't look so good (though I've no reason to believe it won't be fine) I may put back that date. In fact the only delay will come if the proof copy doesn't actually turn up at all! Meanwhile I'm adding more great pictures to the book (which won't affect the proofing) and it's looking better and better all the time.

So write that in your diary: 12 November 2008. More news will appear here, if and when I know any more. Stay tuned!

Although the main content of Blasphemy! The Musical is complete, I've made the decision not to rush the release of the book because I want to add even more goodies.

Firstly, I have to get the back cover just right, since it's the second thing, after the front cover, people will see, and is the thing which will help to sell the book. People really do judge books by their covers, so the blurb on the back has to be just right. So for the past 3 days (on top of the weeks of ideas I've been jotting down as they occurred to me) I've been working on that. I think I've finally nailed it, subject to looking good on the proof copy.

Next: illustrations. The cover picture for The Atheists Are Revolting! was a free, public-domain photo of the Earth, provided by NASA, but I wanted to spend some money on getting better quality photos for the book, hence the 'eyes' photo and a great looking cartoon for the back cover. However, I've been toying with the idea of adding pictures inside the book, just to jazz things up a little! So 'Pole Dancers In The Mosque' should have (what else?) a photo of a pole dancer... and so on.

Adding illustrations is going to take a while, if only because I will have to find, pay for, edit and insert the images into the book. I have 7-10 days in mind for that job, so I hope you'll be patient. I promise it will be worth the wait, and of course if I'm done before then you will be the first to know.

Right now I'm waiting for delivery of a proof copy of the book (minus illustrations) so that I can check the layout. And I have a lot of work to do on this web site because it's very much a sing-along book - and you will of course need to have a central place to visit to find the original songs so that you can sing (or maybe hum!) along with my blasphemy-laden lyrics.

So let me go and work - I'm on a tight schedule here folks!

That's right, included in this list is song 100, so the book is officially complete! I'll be writing more about the book, when it will be available, etc, in a later blog, but for now here are extracts from the final five songs from Blasphemy! The Musical:

---

Don't Find Faith With The Fairies
The Trolley Song (Meet Me in St Louis)

Don't find faith with the fairies
Just say no to the gnomes
Please don't pray to the pixies
That's retarded as all of us know

How good's God, is he greater?
Why claim Christ can be cool?
Ask how Allah is awesome
They are faithfully followed by fools

Faith is a lie built on deceit
Without religion you aren't any less complete
And if you think God is unique
There are a thousand other stories just as weak

---

A Preacher Teaching Each Of Us A Comedy Creed
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (Buck Privates)

He didn't get an education in the normal way
He stayed at home and really all he did was pray
And all he took was Bible class
But they had taught him enough
So he was up to the task
He made a holy vow
And sin's his enemy
He's a preacher teaching each of us a comedy creed

---

Don't Fight With Dumb Fools
Moonlight Becomes You (Road to Morocco)

Don't fight with dumb fools
Who say God is there
If ever you see them praising thin air

They might be dumb fools
But knowing you're right
Shouldn't be your excuse for a fight

---

Jesus Looked At Porn Instead Of Helping Others
How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
(Royal Wedding)

Jesus looked at porn instead of helping others
And Mohammad dressed in leather for his wife
That story when old Moses was burning the bush?
His face was hotter when he poked some girl in the tush

Jacob let his nasal hair grow long and straggly
Jonah's underpants were damp and really ripe
When Noah said 'The weather's fine'
He locked the door and drowned himself in cheap red wine

---

Virgin Mary's Butt Was Tight
The Way You Look Tonight (Swing Time)

God came
To the world below
Looking for a ho
Though she didn't show it all the Lord knew
Virgin Mary's butt was tight

So bootylicious
Giving God the horn
She should star in porn
Watching her perform God's magic wand grew
Virgin Mary's butt was tight

---

Keep these words in mind: COMING SOON!

I had a seriously productive weekend of song writing/parodying so this update is coming to you a little quicker than expected. Here are five more songs from Blasphemy! The Musical, but more importantly there are only five more songs to go. Know what that means? Next time you hear from me the book will be done! Promise me you won't go away, okay?

---

Mohammad's Old G-String
It Might As Well Be Spring (State Fair)

In the desert you can quickly get your skin warm
So Mohammad liked his private parts to swing
To hold in the prophet's penis
He would wear an old G-string

His posing pouch was delicately scented
Like the Chippendales he'd dance around and sing
But Mo had a tiny weiner
So he padded his G-string

---

Rubber Crucifix
Summer Holiday (Summer Holiday)

They've nailed Jesus to a rubber crucifix
But disguised him as a kangaroo
Looks like Skippy on a rubber crucifix
New religions are always screwed
When the deity's booed

His fingers looked a bit unsightly
A manicure was overdue
His nails the Romans painted
A shade called 'Dead Jew Blue'

---

Without Proof God Is A Joke
Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat (Guys and Dolls)

There is no God and of this we can be certain
Belief he's there is mistaken and it's wrong
If God exists and it's worship that will save me
Then the evidence and proof must be strong

So religion I'm calling you out
Without proof God is a joke
Leaving no room for doubt
Without proof God is a joke

It's incredible you don't wonder
'bout the lack of proof of what you promote
Without, without, without, without
Without proof God is a joke

---

Menacing Goals
Anything Goes (Anything Goes)

Islamic verses line their pockets
But now they are making rockets
And bullet holes
Menacing goals

The Bible can be problematical
Some have become fanatical
Saving souls
Menacing goals

Abuse should all cease today
But some priests today
Will enjoy today
A young boy today
And those games they play
Bring only shame today
And it's innocence they stole

---

Win A Sinner Dinner On Christian Quiz Night
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) (Mamma Mia!)

You can win
All you need is a Bible
Plus a fork and a spoon
It's a show for you to praise God and consume

If plus-sized pants you wear
We've tons of food to spare

Win a sinner dinner on 'Christian Quiz Night'
Feeding fat believers is the name of the game
Win a sinner dinner, come join in the food fight
Feed-your-face revivals, you'll be glad that you came

I should have posted these extracts from the latest five songs for Blasphemy! The Musical yesterday, but I've been on a bit of a roll lately, writing a couple of songs per day rather than just one, so I didn't want to stop my creative juices flowing! As I write, there are only 8 more songs to go before I hit the magic 100, so the finish line really is in sight now. Here are extracts from those five new songs:

---

Jewish, Busty And Hung Over
June Is Bustin' Out All Over (Carousel)

'Jewish, Busty And Hung Over'
The best porn the Middle East has seen
It's a formula that's trusted
If the girls are bigger busted
And the rabbi's long enough to fill the screen

'Jews Mud Wrestling For Jehovah'
Was loved by the critics on release
It's a tale of seven women
Who begin the movie swimming
But they end it in a vat of kosher grease

---

Osama's Koran!
According To Plan (Corpse Bride)

When the prayer's called
And you're being hauled
To an afternoon of stoning
We have a weekly prize-draw phone-in
Meet the stars of the screen
With the Mujahideen
Yes the burqa is in
But this season must be green

It's the Muslim OK!
For people who pray
Fundamentalist chat we are spreading
Yes the topless shots of Saddam are in
And the two Shi'a babes he was bedding

---

Never Needed A Soul
The Ugly Bug Ball (Summer Magic)

Once a silly little preacher stood and tried
To convince me that in Hell I would be fried
He waved his Christian book
And said I needed to look

He was furious and said I should decide
If I wanted burning torment when I died
So I told him twice
Stick your Jesus Christ
Deep in a very dark hole

The preacher's goal (Had a goal, had a goal)
Was condemning my soul (Burn my soul, burn my soul)
Trouble is I never had one
There's no hole
Never needed a soul

---

A Logical Fallacy
The Beautiful Briny (Bedknobs and Broomsticks)

One thing is
Totally wrong
Doesn't belong
In debate and that's a logical fallacy
When their case is facing a defeat
That's the time believers try to cheat

Disguised
With a straw man they devised
Extreme
Leaps of faith are often seen

---

If You Are A Christian
If I Were A Rich Man (Fiddler On The Roof)

If you are a Christian
You are very, very, very, very, very, very dumb
You are one of those who have become
Part of an enormous scam
You're something of a retard
And you're very, very, very, very, very, very dumb
At your birth they flicked a little switch
With their Jesus-idolising plan

Late but still great, here are five more songs from my seemingly never-ending project, Blasphemy! The Musical. I've made the extracts a little longer than usual because I'm a couple of days late with this update, mainly because some of the latest songs were themselves longer and more difficult to finish than others I've done. Enjoy!

---

You're Wasting Your Prayers
Say You'll Be There (Spiceworld: The Movie)

Christ's broken my angel wings
And I need some string
For repairs

Last night at St Peter's leaving party
Jesus puked on Gabrielle's shoes
Then wrapped his halo round a lamppost
Before turning Lake Geneva to booze

For the Son of God this wasn't enough
And he took us for a walk on the sea
But our encounter with some mermaids
Left us with a fishy social disease

---

I've Had Too Much Of The Holy Spirit
There Is a Sucker Born Ev'ry Minute (Barnum)

I've had too much of
The Holy Spirit
I'm sick of Christians who talk a lot
Though Jesus loves them I do not
They tell me God is on my side
But all their talk of spirit guides
Is phoney
Not scientific
They try convincing me I need to be reborn
They say that Hell was made by God who'll throw me in it
And there's a flame with my own name to keep me warm

---

Gays
Mame (Mame)

Who get the Bible's strongest decree? Gays
Most every preacher seems to agree? Gays
They point at homosexuals
Quoting Deuteronomy's commands
This ancient tome objects to all
Sex without a woman and a man

Whose lives are criticised and condemned? Gays
Can't find accepting Christian friends? Gays
'Hate sin but not the sinner' means
Bigotry can hide behind a phrase
They blame their God but what it shows
Is just a prejudice they chose
Their one true aim: dispose of those gays

---

God Never Replies
Stayin' Alive (Saturday Night Fever)

Well if you want anything and pray to God
And he won't reply, that's kinda odd
Do you get just what you need
And is prayer always guaranteed?
But in the Bible, come what may
He says he'll answer when you pray
Trouble is, if God ain't there
There really is no sense in prayer

Everything you're sayin'
And every time you're prayin'
God never replies, never replies
Faith is never shaken but maybe you're mistaken
'cause he never replies, never replies
God, God, God, God never replies, never replies
God, God, God, God never replies

---

Secular
Popular (Wicked)

Religion has no place
And there is no way God will find a space
In schooling, in our law courts, or in me
If you agree
Help us to be... com...plete...ly...

Secular
Your government's secular
And anything Heaven sent
Wasn't really meant
To be quite so spread around (ooh!)
They cannot endorse a prayer
So it isn't there
All because the state was founded as

Secular
The country is secular
Religion in public form
Has to be withdrawn
It must never now be shown
It's all part
Of leaving the Heavenly side well alone

I'm casting my net far and wide with my search for songs to parody in Blasphemy! The Musical, and what sometimes makes it difficult is that I have set myself a rule that I'm only allowed one song from each musical show/movie. If I wasn't doing that, it would be easy - five songs from 20 shows and bang - job done. The 'one per show' rule is to appeal to as many people as possible, and it's certainly made me find musicals I'd never even heard of. But putting together an eclectic collection of songs also throws out some unexpected weirdness too...

I've obviously heard of 'Saturday Night Fever', and am currently mixing up the words for 'Stayin' Alive', but looking on the YouTube page for the video I noticed that people kept mentioning they were being taught CPR with this song. WTF?! But, yes, a quick Google finds this:

CPR Gives "Stayin' Alive" New Life
Bee Gees Pop Song Has the Right Beat for Performing CPR Chest Compressions

Oct. 17, 2008 -- The Bee Gees disco song "Stayin' Alive" might help people stay alive when they get cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) -- if their rescuer knows the 1977 tune.

It turns out that "Stayin Alive" has a beat that's in sync with the recommended pace for chest compressions given during CPR. So researchers put the pop tune to the test.

In a small study, 15 adults -- mainly doctors, most of whom had performed CPR in recent months -- got a refresher course in CPR. During that class, they listened to "Stayin' Alive" and were asked to time their chest compressions to the beat.

Five weeks later, participants took a CPR test. This time, no music was played.

Participants said they felt they were better and more confident at CPR while listening to the music, note the researchers, who included David Matlock, MD, of the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, Ill.

"Properly performed CPR can triple survival rates for cardiac arrest, but many people hesitate to jump in because they don't feel confident about maintaining the proper rhythm," Matlock says in a news release. "Our research subjects felt that listening to "Stayin' Alive" improved their ability to perform chest compressions at the proper speed, and indeed their performance even five weeks later was excellent," Matlock says.

The results, which will be presented on Oct. 27 in Chicago at the American College of Emergency Physicians' annual meeting, are "encouraging" but should be checked in larger studies, write Matlock and colleagues.

And of course it's even more bizarre that the title of the song is 'Stayin' Alive'. Weird!

PS Sorry if you were expecting the usual 5-day update - I'm a little behind because of a family illness, but I hope to catch up again soon. Stay tuned!

---

Update:
CNN has more on this story here, with video of someone doing CPR to the music, and the hilarious point that Queen's 'Another One Bites the Dust' also has right beat... but completely the wrong message!

---

Update 2:
Er... try this version!

More songs! Five more extracts from Blasphemy! The Musical:

---

Nobody Needs Religion Now
Thoroughly Modern Millie (Thoroughly Modern Millie)

What exactly makes religion so holy?
Why claim it's reliable?
In a court of law they'd all be thrown out
That is undeniable

God's real? How can he be?
It's hard to see how
The myth's untrue
In my view
Nobody needs religion now

---

Victims
Whistling Away the Dark (Darling Lili)

Look in the eyes of those who cry
For victims blown apart
When will it end, this senseless game
And who remembers its start?
...
A bomb in a crowded market
Martyred, while round him are strewn
Victims
Victims
Death is their final tune

---

Religion Will Deceive You
If Ever I Would Leave You (Camelot)

Religion will deceive you
It always leaves you dumber
Just a part of some herd
Of sheep who won't learn
You're someone who won't try
To think with your brain
To reason is much more
Of a mental strain

---

Creation's Lame
Seasons Of Love (Rent)

How old our universe is and all that is in it
How many billion years we know it's been here
Six thousand very short years some Christians give it
That crazy number's not even near

Creation is bullshit
There's nothing to prove it happened
But science explains with facts you can't hide
Though Young Earth Creationists think the truth is within it
Their Holy Bible's a book full of lies

---

Pole Dancers In The Mosque
Let's Call The Whole Thing Off (Shall We Dance)

Face to Mecca and praise the hooters
Veils protect her, naked's cuter
Booty swinging, panties flinging
Pole dancers in the mosque

She'll drop the burqa if you drop a dollar
Knows how to work hers, be thankful to Allah
Gyrating together in latex and leather
It's pole dancers in the mosque

---

Yep, the Muslims are going to love that last one! In case you don't recognise it, you'll probably be more familiar with some of the words: 'You like potayto and I like potahto, You like tomayto and I like tomahto' (that matches with the second of the verses shown above).

I will be doubling the insurance policy on my house, just in case, and making sure that 'firebombing by religious extremists' is covered by the small print. If something happens to me... er, well, I suppose it was my own fault and not the fault of some fundamentalist head-case, right?

It's only a few days since I gave you the last batch of samples from Blasphemy! The Musical, but I seem to have stepped up a gear this week and have had a couple of days in which I wrote two songs instead of one. So here are the latest five:

---

Your Faith Is My Hell
I Know Him So Well (Chess)

Hell is just a myth, no more than fantasy
Though you think it's where my soul belongs
You say its lake of flames will torture me
But you can't admit you may be wrong
...
Until you start to see
Religion is empty of truth and honesty
(Its lies you hide but still I see them)
Your faith is my Hell

---

Kosher Bacon Pies
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (Roberta)

When Torah laws confine
These will blow your mind
Take them home and try
At a bargain price
Kosher Bacon Pies

---

In Heaven Life Is Lame
I'm Gonna File My Claim (River Of No Return)

The afterlife with Jesus is no fun at all
Each day up there is always the same
A billion years of boredom with no alcohol
In Heaven life is lame

The place is full of people who all kiss God's ass
They praise and sing and worship his name
Eternity with them I'd really rather pass
In Heaven life is lame

---

Those Old Fat Catholics
That Old Black Magic (The Nutty Professor)

Those old fat Catholics keep their secrets well
Those old fat Catholics warn kids not to tell
They let them sip on the communion wine
They love to touch them on their young behinds

---

Thorn Crown, Loin Cloth And Nails
Top Hat, White Tie And Tails (Top Hat)

What to wear for crucifixion in Israel?
The Romans
Suggested
For Jesus
The normal
Thorn crown, loin cloth and nails
...
So I'm pushing on the thorn crown
Tightening the loin cloth
Hammering the nails

---

I was particularly pleased to add Judaism to the list of religions I've blasphemed against. Yes, Jews have had a hard time in the past (in fact for most of recorded history really), but come on... you don't eat bacon? How could anyone believe that God doesn't want you to eat bacon?! If anything, he would probably make it mandatory! Yum!

So another landmark has been passed - 75 songs is three quarters of the way there. There are only 25 to go now, and after some editing the book will be available. Keep watching!

The Reverend Peter Mullen, a minor member of the English clergy has been caught writing anti-gay hate speech. In a blog. On the Internet. Pete... mate... did you think nobody would find it? First, links to reports of the story itself:

The Guardian - Vicar could be disciplined for blog slurs against gays and Muslims

The Telegraph - Homosexuals should carry warning tattoos, says chaplain

BBC News Channel - Tattoo gay people, priest writes

---

Although the vicar's blog has been removed, some quick detective work revealed his original post, courtesy of Google cache:

Matthew Parris is wilfully refusing to give his readers his opinion about the recent "gay wedding" and about relationships between the church and homosexuals generally. He says, "When it comes to the church, synagogue or mosque, if you think the whole thing ridiculous, its hard to get excited about the ridiculousness of a subset of it. I should feel the same if morris dancers or the British Astrological Society tried to exclude gays."

So, for Parris, the views of billions of Christians, Jews and Muslims worldwide are of no more consequence than a couple of obscure sectional interests. From what point of privileged judgement does he thus discount 4000 years of civilisation? The great world religions have survived the criticisms of far more intelligent and better informed opponents than the ignorant upstart Parris. There is a whole history and literature of distinguished apologetics for religious belief, but Parris will attend to none of it - sufficient only to attract his disdain is mainstream religion's disapproval of homosexual acts.

Since Parris will not dirty his hands by entering theological discussions with his readers, perhaps I might answer for religious believers in the purely utilitarian terms which even the lofty Parris is bound to engage with. We disapprove of homosexuality because it is clearly unnatural, a perversion and corruption of natural instincts and affections, and because it is a cause of fatal disease. The AIDS pandemic was originally caused by promiscuous homosexual behaviour. Such promiscuity is itself an evil because its perpetrators merely use others indiscriminately for their own gratification, treating their fellows as sex objects and as means to an end rather than as ends in themselves. I should have thought that Parris, having rejected religious belief, might want to construct his moral beliefs on this Kantian humanistic imperative. But I suspect he is not really interested in morality of any kind - except as a special plea to excuse his lust for gratification at whatever cost to human dignity and the sanctity of human life.

It is time that religious believers began to recommend specific utilitarian discouragements of homosexual practices after the style of warnings on cigarette packets: Let us make it obligatory for homosexuals to have their backsides tattooed with the slogan SODOMY CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH and their chins with FELLATIO KILLS. In addition the obscene "gay pride" parades and carnivals should be banned for they give rise to passive corruption, comparable to passive smoking. Young people forced to witness these excrescences are corrupted by them.

Let me continue the comparison with smoking which is banned in most public places. Those committing homosexual acts in public places - such behaviour being a crime in any case under the Homosexual Reform Act of 1967 - should be arrested, tried and punished. Parks, open spaces and public lavatories would at once become more wholesome places. There ought to be teaching films shown in sex education classes in all our schools. These would portray acts of sodomy and the soundtrack would reinforce the message that it is a filthy practice ending with the admonition: "We do, after all, know the importance of washing our hands after going to the lavatory."

But I should like to turn Parris' disdain for religion back on to him. If I consider that homosexual practices are vile, why should I concern myself with subsets of their aspects? I might as well concern myself with other minor irrelevancies such as the Doris Day fanclub and polo-neck sweaters

There was also an earlier blog which is equally anti-gay:

Gay wedding at St Bartholomew's EC1
The Bishop of London is in a high huff
Because Dr Dudley has married a puff;
And not just one puff - he's married another:
Two priests, two puffs and either to other.
"It isn't a wedding, for that's not allowed;
They've just come together and promised and vowed
To shack up and snug up, to have and to hold:
Ooh aren't we radical! Ooh aren't we bold!"
Now here's a most queer and most wonderful thing:
He's given his hand, he's offered his ring;
And each to the other forever will bend,
After their troll in the coach up West End.
Not a flash wedding, no pics in Hello!
Just a honeymoon cottage, convenient so.
Of such Dr Dudley a goldmine has found,
From shaven-head puftas the nuptial pink pound.
The new Church of England embraces diversity,
A fresh modulation on ancient perversity:
"I'm C of E and PC so don't think it odd of me
To offer a licence and blessing for sodomy."

And remember that the man who wrote this says, 'I wrote some satirical things on my blog and anybody with an ounce of sense of humour or any understanding of the tradition of English satire would immediately assume that they're light-hearted jokes.' Read the whole thing. Does it sound like a joke to you? No, I thought not.

Hypocrisy?
However despicable you may think this man is, it's important to point out that his comments about Muslims (read the Guardian story, above) are justified:

Mullen criticised the lack of jokes about Islam in the media, remarking that adherents "certainly lend themselves to ridicule: sticking their arses in the air five times a day. How about a few little choruses, 'Randy Muslims when they die/Find 70 virgins in the sky'?"

Does that show hypocrisy on my part? No. here's why his anti-gay comments are not okay, but his anti-Muslim ones are:

• His anti-gay sentiments reflect an antipathy to a lifestyle which harms nobody. Gay people have gay sex and live their lives entirely consensually. They do not coerce anyone to be as they are, to do what they do. Homosexuality is not about changing you or I, it's not about forcing us to be gay. Being anti-gay means being against something for no other reason than 'you don't like it'. Or of course 'because God says so'.

• Anti-Muslim sentiments are different. Islam most certainly is something which wants to change you and I. If you tell a joke about Islam on TV, expect hordes of angry, and sometimes downright dangerous, Muslims to beat down the door of the TV station. Islam allows no criticism without the risk of severe, violent consequences. Islam wants me to go along with its rules. It does not want Muslims to 'do their thing' in privacy, but instead seeks to impose its rules on everyone else. Being anti-Muslim is being anti-oppression.

Criticism of gays is an attempt to stop gay people doing something they enjoy (being gay). That is wrong.

Islam already tries to stop people, including non-Muslims, doing certain things and enjoying certain freedoms. Speaking against Islam is therefore exactly the same as speaking against homophobia. Islam is in effect 'anti-everyone-else' (call it kafirophobia is you will - kafir is derogatory term for a non-Muslim). If it were not, I would not oppose its teachings and customs. Since it is, I do, and similarly oppose anti-gay sentiments such as thouse espoused by Rev Peter Mullen.

If gay people insisted that I be gay, told me that my hetero ways were abhorrent, and threw bricks at my house if I made jokes about them, I would oppose them. I would still defend their right to be gay, but would be against any behavious affecting my life. Similarly, I oppose all aspects of Islam which negatively affect my life, or the lives of others, but I support their right to follow their own religion until it crosses that line.

Hopefully that makes my position clear. Basically I just wanna tell jokes about Muhammad without fear of death or serious injury! Parody is not hate speech. Rev Mullen anti-gay comments are.

---

Footnote:
Here's how homophobia hurts people:

The ever-changing Bible? How dare you? The word of God is inerrant and unchanging and... no, stop it, evangelists, and open your eyes, via this link to a story from the BBC:

The rival to the Bible
What is probably the oldest known bible is being digitised, reuniting its scattered parts for the first time since its discovery 160 years ago. It is markedly different from its modern equivalent.

For 1,500 years, the Codex Sinaiticus lay undisturbed in a Sinai monastery, until it was found - or stolen, as the monks say - in 1844 and split between Egypt, Russia, Germany and Britain.

Now these different parts are to be united online and, from next July, anyone, anywhere in the world with internet access will be able to view the complete text and read a translation.

For those who believe the Bible is the inerrant, unaltered word of God, there will be some very uncomfortable questions to answer. It shows there have been thousands of alterations to today's Bible.

And although many of the other alterations and differences are minor, these may take some explaining for those who believe every word comes from God.

Mr Ehrman was a born again Bible-believing Evangelical until he read the original Greek texts and noticed some discrepancies.

The Bible we now use can't be the inerrant word of God, he says, since what we have are the sometimes mistaken words copied by fallible scribes.

The Codex - and other early manuscripts - do not mention the ascension of Jesus into heaven, and omit key references to the Resurrection.

...missing is the story of the woman taken in adultery and about to be stoned - until Jesus rebuked the Pharisees (a Jewish sect), inviting anyone without sin to cast the first stone.

Nor are there words of forgiveness from the cross. Jesus does not say "Father forgive them for they know not what they do".

Fundamentalists, who believe every word in the Bible is true, may find these differences unsettling.

Others may take it as more evidence that the Bible is the word of man, not God.

That last sentence really says it all perfectly, don't you think?

In case you hadn't yet realised (where have you been?) I am writing a book of 100 songs, cruelly ripped from the belly of the best and biggest musicals of all time, their lyrics discarded and replaced with 100% BLASPHEMY!

For earlier extracts you'll need to look back to the September 2008 blogs, but here are five more salacious snippets from Blasphemy! The Musical:

---

The Fakest Faith By Far
Swinging On a Star (Going My Way)

The Mormon faith is fakest by far
Their beliefs are truly bizarre
With the strangest stories there are
And every Mormon is a fool

The Mormon religion is a fantasy tale
It's hard to believe it wouldn't fail
Some ancient Jewish people sailed away
They built huge cities in the USA
And just for fun, Jesus wandered over too
They must be mad to think it's true

---

They Praise, Preach, Hate, Chant And Sing
I Just Can't Wait to be King (The Lion King)

The only thing that Jesus freaks
Do quietly is prayer
And if that was all they tried to do
I wouldn't really care

But then they try converting me
It happens more and more
They stop me walking in the street
Or knock upon my door

With news of how to save me from my sin
As they praise, preach, hate, chant and sing

---

He's Obsessed
Be Our Guest (Beauty And The Beast)

He's obsessed, he's obsessed
Acts as though he's been possessed
The old man who lives next door to me
Is paranoid at best

Blew a fuse when he learned
That religion I have spurned
Though an atheist can't harm him
His reaction was alarming

---

Jesus Is Round
Send In The Clowns (A Little Night Music)

Christ has an itch
Don't ask me where
Weighs more than four hundred pounds
Breaks every chair
Jesus is round

Taking a piss?
Difficult move
Toilets are one thing he's found
He just can't use
Pees on the ground
Jesus is round

---

The Church Of Mindless Grins
Colors Of The Wind (Pocahontas)

The only face you'll see them wear is gleeful
But a lesson in life is overdue
Religion only dulls the pain of living
Just one thing can pull you through, and that is you

I would never give my life up to a cult of fools
It's clear their reason ends where faith begins
And however loud the madness they are shouting
I will never ask forgiveness for my sins
I will never join their Church of Mindless Grins

I've been a subscriber of Crosisborg for as long as I can remember, and I've featured one or two of his videos on this very site, but I never realised that he wrote alternative lyrics to songs... and as a bonus he sings them too!

Come, bow to the awesome brilliance of...

Looks like I have some serious competition now! But it's all good, baby!

I do try to at least understand what religious people are talking about before I tell them where to go, but this time I admit defeat. Here's a message I received today:

Who's Telling, Living, Demonstrating whatever, we should, really, be doing it

Dear Mr Gisburne

Yes, did all those who've, come and gone, know your answer?

Surely you can demonstrate, your answer, with a blank Piece of Paper, by simply folding and cutting, with the ability to explain only what you can show.

The reason for this Test, anybody can say anthing, anybody can write anything, so to find out, who know's, you seem too! what we should realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly be doing!

Simple, just Demonstrate! the Bottom Line

Await PIctures of Your Demonstration!

Would someone, anyone, please reassure me with the knowledge that the above makes absolutely no sense whatsoever! Actually, when I looked at his YouTube channel I found a link to a web site:

Truth Revealed - Judeo Christian and the Glory of Yeshua

So the web site would explain things, right? Wrong! If anything, it is more ridiculous than the original message. All I could salvage from this idiot's train wreck of a web site is that (and I don't think I'm exaggerating here) he thinks that the path to true salvation lies through... ORIGAMI. Seriously. This page explains further (I use the word 'explains' very loosely), but for extra comedy try this one, showing a cartoon of a man with no feet with the baffling subtitle '8 Toes and Mutating, Truth Prevailing' (another WTF? experience).

Just when you think religion can't possibly throw up anything more stupid, along comes a whole new category of idiot to prove you wrong. As Cypress Hill would say:

Insane in da membrane
Insane in da brain

Anyone care to argue with that assessment? Thought not.

Given the cover of my new book, this article seems topical.

Saudi cleric favours one-eye veil
A Muslim cleric in Saudi Arabia has called on women to wear a full veil, or niqab, that reveals only one eye.

Sheikh Muhammad al-Habadan said showing both eyes encouraged women to use eye make-up to look seductive.

The question of how much of her face a woman should cover is a controversial topic in many Muslim societies.

The niqab is more common in Saudi Arabia and the Gulf, but women in much of the Muslim Middle East wear a headscarf which covers only their hair.

Sheikh Habadan, an ultra-conservative cleric who is said to have wide influence among religious Saudis, was answering questions on the Muslim satellite channel al-Majd.

Topical and of course very, very stupid. These people are idiots. That's all there is to say.

---

Update:
I found the following comment, by EvocatusNL, on a YouTube video from Pat Condell, which also mentioned the 'one eye good, two eyes horny' thing:

I have a great commercial idea for you.

Design a burqa with NO eye-holes in it, but with a built-in GPS + LCD screen + Browser + Google Earth + additional software.

Moslima's can go out and their unseen winks can not seduce the male Muslims. That would put the Saudi cleric to rest.

We still have the problem of the female curvature inside the burqa while walking. That could make men horny. There should be an inbuild lightweight skeleton to form a rectangular... form.

Don't for one second think that there isn't a chance it might happen. After all, who would have predicted that Gillette would put five blades in a razor?! (That link is of course old news, but the commentary is hilarious.)

Here's that video:

---

Update 2:
The one-eyed veil has a problem - every time the woman blinks, it will look like she's winking, which of course will mean that Saudi men will be forced to rape her (that is why they have these ridicuolous religious laws, right?). The fun continues here, with a solution which will have the Saudis thinking 'why didn't we think of that' (in Arabic, naturally).