It was mid-morning and Abram was inspecting his pedigree donkey breeding programme, when suddenly the sky filled with storm clouds and God appeared in a flash of lightning, a blaze of glory and a shower of hot sparks.

"Sorry! I've been having a few problems with my power generator. I'll put a call in to the electrician when I get back," said God. He pointed at fourteen smoking piles of ash where Abram's prize-winning donkeys used to be. "Don't worry, I can easily rustle up some more for you by the end of the week. I was going to make some new dinosaurs, but I suppose I can put that off for a while."

Abram stood in awe at the mighty super-being, unable to speak.

"You look like you've shit yourself, Abram," said God. "But do not be afraid. Or if you have shit yourself, stand back a bit and then do not be afraid."

Abram shook his head. "It's not that. It's, er... well, you're wearing a dress, and pigtails in your hair. What the fuck happened to you?"

"Now, now, Abram, don't be so so quick to judge," said God. "That's my job. Cross-dressing hurts nobody. Where is it written that thou shalt not experiment with thy sexuality and enjoy the feel of soft, delicate silk garments against thy man parts? Having said that, I've got to tell you... these panties are getting my Holy meat and two veg in a right old tangle. No wonder women don't have balls - there's just no room in here for a couple of clangers the size of Almighty God's."

And lo, God did cast the panties from his body, and said, "Let there be boxers." Unfortunately that just ended in chaos, with a room full of hungry dogs and confused prize fighters. So to save time he put on his usual white robes, and went commando.

And God spake, which was more evidence that English wasn't his first language, or he'd have known that the word was 'spoke'.

"Abram, I have heard your prayers, and I come to answer them. Unfortunately I'm going to have to turn you down on your request for 72 virgins - I've got several thousand advance orders from some weird religious lunatics a couple of thousand years from now. You know how it is when rumours start - demand just goes through the roof, so I need to build up my stock. But you said something about wanting a son and heir?"

Abram nodded, "If I have no children when I die, everything I own will go to my servant, Derek. Union rules."

"Well that's an easy one," said God, and flung his arms wide to make it obvious that there was a dramatic bit coming up. "Abram, look up at the heavens and count the stars. So shall your offspring be."

Abram was puzzled. "You want me to call my kid Twinkle?"

"No, no, no," said God, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars. That is how many children will be yours."

Abram looked. "It's cloudy. I can't see shit."

Then God became sorely vexed and did produce a mighty wind, which did blow away the clouds, along with a couple of nearby towns, but that was all resolved fairly amicably with a generous out-of-court settlement.

"Now," proclaimed God, "look up at the heavens and count the stars."

Abram shook his head. "Dude, it's daytime. No stars."

"Look you little shit, forget the stars - count the grains of sand on a beach..."

"What beach? We're nowhere near the sea. There's no beach. Desert, yes, but technically that doesn't qualify as a beach does it? And anyway, how big is this beach? It could be a pebble beach - do pebbles count? How fine is the sand? Some sand is quite gritty, so by volume you'd get fewer grains than you would from a beach with fine sand. Even if the granularity was in the mid-range, and from an average-sized beach, do you realise how many grains that would be? And these are all my children? Where are they all going to live? There'll be kids everywhere! Not to mention all the wives I'd have to knock up. Birthdays would be a nightmare. What about college fees? And I don't even have a chariot big enough to take them all to school in."

"Will you just shut the fuck up and listen you ungrateful little twat!" God stamped his foot in rage, and on the other side of the world an enormous tidal wave washed over Australia and drowned the entire population. Whatever. "Just take it from me, you're going to have a lot of descendants."

Abram was still none too sure. "How many?"

God gritted his teeth, and there was much gnashing of them. "As many as the stars."

"You've got no fucking idea have you? You're just guessing. I thought you were all-powerful."

"I am all-powerful," said God.

Abram thought for a minute and then said, "I bet you can't invent a religion so simple and easy to prove that absolutely everyone will understand it and believe it. Go on, have a go - I bet you can't."

And lo, God did grasp the testicles of Abram and did squeeze them with a firmness that verily did bring tears to the eyes. And yea, God spake. Spoke. Whatever. Anyway, this is what he said:

"Look, shit for brains, do you want to have kids or not? Just say the word and you'll be able to use these fellas as novelty earrings." But he let go when he realised that Abram's bulging eyes and squeals of unremitting agony reminded him of some of the Australians he'd drowned a few minutes earlier.

Abram finally managed to say that yes, he did want children. "But I'm thinking just one or two will be enough. Can we please forget about the 'as many as the stars' crap?"

God shrugged. "Okay, we'll sort the numbers out later. But there's another problem to resolve before then. Look, you're pushing 100 years old now and so is your wife, so to be honest she's going to need a little help getting her 'irrigation system' working again. In fact from what I hear, that particular river went completely dry about forty years ago.

"Oh Lord, what can I do?" wailed Abram. "The future mother of my children has minge flaps as dry as two pieces of stale toast, and to make things worse she puts her false teeth up there at night so I don't try anything on."

And even though God was standing directly in front of him, Abram knelt and silently prayed, which was a bit stupid because to understand what Abram was asking for God would have had to be a mind-reader. Which he was. Hurrah!

Then lo, God did answer Abram's prayer's once again. For this was in the days before the Arabian Nights and you didn't need to rub a magic ring to get three wishes. Although God's ring was always available if anyone felt the urge to slip a finger into it.

Before Abram there appeared gifts from God, to aid him in his quest to produce the offspring which he so keenly yearned for. And these gifts were thus: a three-gallon barrel of coconut flavoured lube, a bag of cucumbers in a variety of sizes, and the latest issues of 'Double-D Desert Dykes' and 'Mesopotamian Mud Wrestling MILFs', which God insisted were only for lendsies, not for keepsies.

And it is written that Abram toddled off to his tent to wait for sunset, for he would need time to separate some of the pages which God had stuck together with his Holy Spirit.