Many, many years ago, but not so many that Creationists couldn't fuck up all the numbers and get a really stoopid answer, there were three little gods.

The first god was an only child and he didn't know who his parents were, so that probably had something to do with him ending up being a sadistic, psychopathic old bastard with a fetish for knocking up virgins and spying on people having sex. His first name was Omy, but we'll just call him God.

The middle god was called Jesus H Fucking Christ and he would grow up to be a full-time fishmonger and stage magician, but in the old days he just sat around smoking pot, talking crap, and behaving like a hippy.

The youngest god was called Allah, and he was a bit shy and didn't like having his picture taken, so he spent all his time making virgin dolls out of easy to wash rubber, because he realised there was going to be a big demand for them from his followers, many thousands of years later.

Although there were three gods there was really only one god, and he was called God too, which was a bit confusing, but the three little gods didn't let logic stand between them and some lucrative book publishing deals.

Of course books hadn't been invented yet, so there was no Bible and no Qur'an, and without them there must have been absolutely no morals at all. Without the written word of God, obviously nobody knew how to behave themselves and they all raped and killed and had unprotected sex with reptiles - all the kind of things that people do when they don't have a Holy Book to teach them about morality.

At least that's what the three little gods were expecting to find when they looked down at the Earth. But funnily enough, that isn't what it was like. Everyone was happy and contented, there were plenty of jobs, and everybody was working together for the common good. In fact the economic prospects for the human race were looking pretty fucking promising all round. Rather than killing each other, all the people had decided to co-operate and build an enormous tower, just so they could show God how good they were at working together.

Okay, there were a few teething problems. For one thing it was a Friday afternoon and they were a bit over-tired, so somehow they'd managed to start building the tower out of straw. But still, it was a team effort, and at least they weren't fighting over petty religious laws like what kind of sausages you can eat when it rains on a Tuesday, or how many times you can beat a woman with a stick before she's no longer unclean and is allowed to wash her feet in the presence of a priest with a mustache.

Of course, when the three little gods saw how everybody was getting along with each other they were furious.

"What's the point of us being here at all if the humans aren't going to fight each other?" said God. "Allah, go and sort the little fuckers out."

And yea, Allah did fold up a huge sheet of paper into a bird-like shape, and flew this paper aeroplane into the side of the tower and made it collapse. And the three little gods did give each other high fives and in heaven there was much celebrating, with cake and balloons and virgins all round the office.

But the people were not disheartened when the tower of straw fell down, for they had by this time wised up a bit and realised that straw wasn't such a good idea for a multi-story skyscraper after all. So instead, they decided to make a new tower, this time out of wood. Much stronger. And the human race again worked in peace and harmony and together they built up the wooden tower until it grew 18 stories high.

But again God looked down and saw that nobody was fighting or killing or eating children, and this was making a total mockery out of the vengeance part of his job description. So God did pull one of the wooden blocks out of the tower so that it might fall. But it did not fall. Then Allah also pulled out one of the wooden blocks, but still the tower did not fall. Nor did it fall when Jesus removed yet another of the blocks. But lo, after many more blocks were removed from the tower and it became very wobbly indeed, Jesus H Fucking Christ pulled out a block from the tower and this time it did fall.

And lo, Jesus did get the sale and distribution rights to this new game, for the H in Jesus H Fucking Christ was revealed to all as 'Hasbro', and from that day the fallen building became known as the Tower of Jenga.

The people of Earth were getting a bit pissed off with all this interference from the three invisible sky daddies, but decided to build a new tower, a third tower, this time from bricks of clay. Someone thought of adding little studs to the bricks so they would all fit together much more easily, but he was way ahead of his time, so they ignored him and just piled them up one on top of the other.

When God saw that for a third time everyone was working together, he went completely fucking bananas. "The bastards are at it again! Right you little fuckers, let's see what you think of this then!" and he twirled his magic god staff around his head three times, like some psychotic, bearded, marching band reject, and pointed it down to Earth.

At first it looked like nothing had happened, but pretty soon people realised that they couldn't understand each other, and everything they said came out sounding weird and unintelligible. The people started to shout and fight, and still nobody could work out what anyone else was saying.

For it is written that God had given mankind the curse of alcohol. And forever more their words would be incomprehensible, and a war-like nature would be upon them. They forgot about building their tower of clay and instead built a new tower, which legend tells us was made of beer cans and empty bottles, known to us as the Tower of Brewski.

And though their speech was slurred, in those long-ago days there was but one language, which God himself had given to his people, and this language was called Bullshit. God spoke Bullshit, all his followers spoke Bullshit, and the word of God was 100% Bullshit. And although the Bible is translated into many languages, we can still trace it back to the original Bullshit scriptures from thousands of years ago, and the followers of God can speak fluent Bullshit even to this day.

The Lessons of the Tower of Babel