After 40 days and 40 nights, or maybe it was 150 (the actual figures are slightly confused because the paperwork got a bit wet) God's bladder was completely empty and he stopped pissing all over the Earth.

The flood waters were quickly sucked up into space by God's magical pond filtration system, and sent into orbit around the planet Saturn. So the next time you see those NASA close-ups from the Cassini spacecraft, remember they are proof of God's amazingness. For God is not only an awesome God, he's a qualified plumber and waste removal technician too.

After a quick dash round with a mop and bucket, the Supreme Janitor of the Universe had left the Earth as good as new, except for a vast covering of rancid mud and the occasional dead baby. But that was just typical of a male god not to wipe the toilet bowl after he'd finished with it.

And yea, God did also leave the seat up and didn't wash his hands, which is why to this day there are so many diseases all over the world. For in those days there was as yet no bleach nor disinfectant, but at least God didst remember to put one of those toilet freshener things in the oceans, which is why they are now a nice bluey-green colour.

"Where the fuck are we?" said Noah, as he peered over the side of the Ark at the muddy, shitty mess all around him.

Noah's wife joined him and sniffed the air. "Well, it looks like shit, it smells like shit, and everything is covered in shit. If someone had invented money I'd put my last 'In God We Trust' dollar on this being Iran. Definitely Iran."

Noah nodded, "Yeah, you're probably right, although I did see a signpost for Turkey before we landed, but that could have been a sail-through restaurant." He looked at her and frowned. "Er... I know you're my wife, but what was your name again?" But the woman had mysteriously vanished, and like most of the female characters in these heroic stories was never seen or heard from again.

Suddenly, like some kind of cheap magician with a need to impress the audience, God appeared, in a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, which vanished as soon as Noah pointed out the 'No Smoking' sign. "Lo, witness the power of creation, my children," said God, which was a feeble attempt to appear cool when what he really mean 'yo, check it out, motherfuckers'.

God looked pleased with himself, "I have cleansed the Earth and I give it to you to be fruitful. Go forth and multiply."

Noah was not impressed. "In other words you're telling us, 'everything's dead, here's a stinking pile of mud, now fuck off and make some babies'."

God shrugged. "Yep, pretty much. By the way, are the animals safe?"

Noah looked sheepish, or he would have done if God hadn't already massacred all the sheep with everything else. "Well, actually, see... it's like this. Remember we had a budgie, two hamsters and a frog, and you wanted us to re-populate the Earth with them? Well... the budgie died. In childbirth."

"What! How the fuck did that happen?" God demanded.

"She was trying to push out an ostrich egg and there was this, er, explosion. It was horrible. Feathers and little bits of bird vagina everywhere. I think she was being a bit over-ambitious. You set very high standards, God, and she was just trying to impress you because she knew you wanted her to recreate all the old bird species. On the plus side, we had a fucking massive omelette that day, which made a nice change from the tins of baked beans you'd left for us. Without a tin opener I might add."

God frowned, annoyed. "The stupid little fucker. Look, I know I'm God and all that, but why does everyone have to take what I say so literally? Well, okay, no birds. So I'll just have to make some more. No problem. I'm God, it's what I do. But at least you can still breed all the mammals, all the reptiles and all the amphibians."

"Yes and no," said Noah.

"Yes and no?"

"Mostly... no. The hamsters? Those weren't hamsters. They were baby lemmings. And they committed suicide as soon as they realised their families and friends were all drowned. Sensitive animals those lemmings. Loyal to the end. I'll miss the furry little fuckers. It's just a mystery to me how they managed to hold the razor blades in their little paws."

God put his head in his hands. "Fuck! As if I didn't have enough to do. First the budgie, now this. It's going to take me at least... a day to make all the birds and mammals again. Thank God you've still got the frog."

Noah bowed his head. "Thank you God that we still have the frog."

"I'm not big on sarcasm, you little twat," God warned him. "Anyway, where is it?"

"Where's what?"

"The frog. Where's my fucking frog, Noah?" God took a firm grip on Noah's neck and squeezed, almightily. "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Noah's eyes bulged but he managed to say, "You're. Standing. On it."

God looked down and saw that in his divine wisdom he had mistaken the frog's final croak for a squeaky plank on the deck, and had materialised his size 15 Jesus sandals directly on top of the last animal in all creation.

God closed his eyes, sighed, and just walked away. But before he did so he gave Noah a dose of herpes and a wonky leg, just for the hell of it, and to make sure everyone remembered he was vengeful as well as awesome... as if killing nearly every living thing on the planet wasn't a big enough clue. Back in Heaven he got out his modelling clay and a bag of magic creationism dust and began to make the animals all over again.