Like farts in a bean factory, many years had passed, and for some reason mankind had picked up several really strange habits. For one thing, very few men under the age of 100 wanted to start a family, so the human race was populated by freaky wheelchair-bound geriatrics looking for sex with newly fertile women. God realised that if he didn't act quickly one of these lovers of young girls would do something really silly, like found the religion of Islam, and that wasn't supposed to happen until hundreds of years later.

Another side-effect of having such old parents was that kids had started hanging around on street corners drinking mugs of hot cocoa and dealing in hard drugs like cough medicine and hemorrhoid cream. School parents days looked like zombie reunion parties, and the only sports kids were picking up from their dads were bingo, knitting, and competitive quilt-making. The human race was in big fucking trouble and God was seriously pissed off about it.

Seeing that he'd created a race of people whose biggest ambition was to grow a long white beard and become a cranky old bastard with a fetish for children, God realised that he had not made man in his own image at all, but had really fucked up the plans and created a race of Santa Claus impersonators instead.

So God decided to kill everyone and everything on the planet. And I mean everyone. Nothing would be spared. None of that two by two in a boat shit, God wanted the whole thing erased, obliterated, wiped out, totally fucking gone. After which, he would concrete over it and rent out the space to other gods who wanted to build holiday homes and family steak houses. It was all going to be great, the perfect plan.

Then, sadly, God fucked it all up again. One crazy night of booze, loose women and stud poker, and God found he'd given a free pardon to the biggest drunk in town. The old cunt's name was Noah, and although he was 600 years old and couldn't piss more than two drops without medical assistance, he had four of a kind to God's full house, and God couldn't bluff for shit.

Next morning God woke up with a hangover the size of the Andromeda galaxy, which for the Supreme Being of All Creation wasn't actually as bad as it sounds. After a few pieces of cold, leftover pizza and a quick swig of the Milky Way to settle his stomach, God realised he was backed into a corner and would have to drown the place after all. He called Noah into his office.

"Noah, I've decided to flood the world, so I want you to build a boat," said God, and handed over some detailed plans.

Noah gave them a quick glance. "Fuck off," he said. "Do I look like I can build boat? I can't even wipe my own arse anymore, so there's fuck all chance I'm going to be able to nail together some kind of cruise ship."

"Well if you don't build it you and your family will drown," said God.

"Bollocks to that you big fat fucker, a deal's a deal. You said you'd save me and the wife and the kids. If you want us in a boat, build the bastard thing yourself. Comprendez?"

Ignoring Noah's mysterious use of Spanish in Biblical times, God tried to think of an objection, but he had nothing. Noah had his nuts in a knot and he knew it. "Okay, you get the boat."

"And I want a shower room, onboard sauna, and a big flat-screen TV. With cable. And make sure we've got the Weather Channel."

"Are you taking the piss?" said God. "It's going to fucking rain, you soft piece of shite."

Noah grinned and made a twisting motion with his hand. "See this? Key... turn... you are so easy to wind up, God."

God resisted the temptation to smite him with his Almighty fist, but wondered if cutting off his ears and re-attaching them to his arse was within the spirit of the contract. "Is that everything?"

Noah looked again at the plans. "What's this?"

God shrugged. "Those are the animal cages."

"Animals? What fucking animals?"

"Two of each unclean animal, seven of each clean animal, seven of each kind of bird..."

"Woah, woah, woah," Noah shook his head. "Got to stop you there, God. Who the fuck do you think I am? Do I look like my fucking name is Old MacDonald? No fucking way am I spending months at sea with a boatload of cats, bats and koalas. And talking of which, this is the Middle East, how are the little bastards supposed to get here?"

God thought for a moment. "Magic?"

"Exactly. Magic. Now we're getting there. I'll tell you what, God, this is what we'll do. Instead of using 'magic' to get all the verminous little bastards you can find and cramming them into my luxury cruise liner, why don't you just 'magic' them all up to your place while I take the wife and kids on a round the world trip of a lifetime?"

"It doesn't work like that," said God. "When the waters die down the world must be re-populated. From the two cats must come tigers and lions, from the two dogs will be wolves and, er, dogs. And so on. I'm not even asking you to take every species, just two of each kind."

"Sounds like you're making it up as you go along, God," said Noah. "You religious fundamentalist types are all the fucking same." But he shrugged, "Look, I tell you what, you write down the absolute minimum you need to fill the world with animals again, and I'll see what I can do. The absolute minimum, mind you."

God thought for a moment, wrote something down, and handed Noah a very short list of names. Noah smiled when he saw what was on it.

"See, now we're getting somewhere," he said. "And look, as a special favour, when I put all this in the history books, I'll use the stuff on your original plans. I mean, the animals coming in two by two, and that thing with the dove... it will make a great children's story."

And lo, God did produce a gigantic Ark from behind a sparkly silver curtain, without the use of camera tricks or trapdoors. Then Noah did travel first class with his wife, his three children, and their wives. But Noah's brothers were not saved, for he still hated their guts for calling him a virgin on his 500th birthday. And in those days, God drowned the little fuckers in a mighty flood, and all else which did liveth and breatheth and shiteth on the land. For though some said that God was over-reacting, it is written that a flying fuck he did not give.

And yea, some animals were also saved, and from these the world was filled with new species in record time, which Creationists would later find hard to explain without making some shit up. These animals were few but they were of God's choosing. For while the Lord is genocidal, he is yet merciful, and thus were saved the ancestors of all the animal life we see today: a pregnant budgie, two hamsters and a frog in a jar.