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BS proof of God's existence
Argument From Jack Chick
Consider this
A Buddhist Monk walked up to a hot dog vendor and said "Make me one with everything."  |
The more I look at religion, the more I dislike it and what it does to the world and its people. This blog will help you understand why religion is something you shouldn't accept as a good thing in our lives. Above all, don't respect religious beliefs when their practitioners refuse to respect you.
By popular demand, apart from some miserable buggers who don't like me saying 'fuck' so often (you know who you are - fuck you), I give you the continuation of the by-now-inevitably named 'Holy Fucking Bible'. In this story I took apart the children's version and added some naughty words and a few extra bits, just proving what a lazy bastard I can be at times. So sue me! Cain Twats Abel and Fucks a Mystery Woman Genesis 4 Population fluctuations, agricultural subsistence, and civil engineering projects in ancient Mesopotamia, circa 4000 BC. Plus some other bollocks too.
Although we only have his word for it, God made the whole universe out of tiny atoms put together one by one to make billions of galaxies and stars and planets. And all in six days. Yeah, right. But you've got to hand it to him, his attention to detail was amazing. So one of the big mysteries is... why the fuck did he put the Garden of Eden right in the middle of Iraq? However in those days there weren't so many American tanks or Muslims around, so perhaps it seemed like a good idea at the time. Despite the fact that Adam and Steve were living it up in their river-side apartment, Eve was now a single parent struggling to cope with two kids and no income. Prostitution wasn't an option until the population picked up a little, so she stayed at home and prayed to God. In fact Eve was often on her knees, sometimes two or three times a day, and this was pleasing to God, for though she was not a virgin, she did a great little trick with her tongue which more than made up for it. And yea, God patted Eve on the head, stepped back, sighed, and zipped himself up again. These were hard times for Eve, and she found the situation difficult to swallow, but through sheer determination she managed to stomach it. Yet despite taking one for the team on a regular basis, God blessed Eve with the gift of saggy breasts and vaginal thrush. For God's mercy is not all it's cracked up to be, and he was still pissed off about that business with the fruit. Many years passed, and because there were no schools in Eden, Cain and Abel had to take unskilled manual jobs with low pay and no promotion prospects. Cain took after his Dad and planted crops in the fields. With tons of wheat and acres of vegetables, good quality bread and salad ingredients were in abundance, so a great choice of sandwiches was never going to be a problem while he was around. Meanwhile Abel became a shepherd, which might seem stupid given that nobody was allowed to eat meat, but he somehow worked out how to make wool into clothes, and sheep's milk into feta cheese, which was very tasty with Cain's fresh bread and tomatoes. Of course the two boys were a lot older now, and after all this time God had cheered up a bit, and came down to see what was going on with the world. The kids organised a little harvest festival, with Abel showing off his cheese and wool products, while Cain was especially proud of his carrots, onions and baby sweetcorn. God was particularly partial to Abel's delicious cheese selection and awarded the clever shepherd a rosette which said 'First in Show'. However he turned up his nose at Cain's offerings and muttered something about 'filthy fucking rabbit food'. This really upset Cain, who had tried his hardest, and after all this was in the days before TV gardening shows and seed catalogues, so he was doing his best with what he had available. God told Cain to stop being so fucking miserable and to get back to work and behave himself. "Remember what I did to that twat the snake," he warned. Needless to say, Cain wasn't very happy about slaving away in the fields all day for nothing, while Abel sat around on his arse all day, surrounded by sheep and knitting wooly socks. His jealousy got the better of him and he cleverly tricked Abel into going to one of his fields. "Let's go out to the field," he said, which wasn't particularly devious, but in Bible times, just like in modern times, religious people were as thick as pig shit. Once they were there, Cain went totally fucking ape-shit and battered the life out of Abel with a sack of root vegetables and stale bagels, before finishing him off completely with a solid smack to the head using his biggest and best (but non-prize-winning) turnip. Abel was dead, and that put the population of the Earth back down to four again, or three if you don't count Steve. Unfortunately for Cain, God was still on the scene, and in fact was looking for Abel to ask him if he'd considered using his cheese as a pizza topping. So when he found Cain covered in brains and with a gore-stained turnip in his hand, he suspected the worst. "You little fucker, did you do this?" God pointed to Abel's body, and in particular to the turnip-sized hole in the back of his skull. Cain looked at his feet and shook his head, for he knew that he had been a very naughty boy. And yea, God knew it was all Cain's doing, because God knows everything. Isn't that just like your parents, when they know you've done something bad but they pretend not to know, just so they can force you to lie to them as well. The bastards. But after taking legal advice Cain took the fifth amendment and did not own up, so God gave him the greatest punishment he could think of for a murderer. No, not death by lethal injection, not even 30 years in prison, this was much, much worse. God told Cain to... go away and wander around a bit. For though God was all-knowing, he still hadn't quite got the hang of this punishment thing. Now the story gets really fucked up, because despite being told by God to wander the Earth, Cain said, "Fuck that, I'm bored," and he got married, had a son, built a city, and settled down for the rest of his life. So he pretty much got away with murdering his brother and had an easy time of it. Surprisingly, God even marked Cain with a gang tattoo so that nobody would fuck with his shit on the streets. Now Cain was the only person in the world who could go out late at night and not be mugged or killed. God wanted him kept safe, and had given him some gangsta street cred to scare people off. So really he was much better off than everyone else. This is a murderer we're talking about, right? Already God was proving that when it comes to justice systems, it would have been a much better idea to put Judge Judy in charge. Cain's wife was a bit of a mystery too. After Cain killed Abel, that just left himself, Adam, Eve and Steve. But the Bible says that he found a wife. Who knows where the fuck she came from? Maybe God did some more Creation in his spare time, and there were people all over the place, but you'd think that the Bible would at least mention it. Trust God to keep us guessing! He's like that, always doing the unexpected and unexplained. The twat. Back in the land of Nod, which really is the name of the place, I promise you, Cain was building a city, which was called Enoch because that was the name of his son. It must have been tough work with just the three of them living there, doing all the bricklaying and the road building, while at the same time growing food and wondering who exactly the parents of Cain's wife were, and who the fuck was going to live in this huge city. Pretty soon Enoch was married too (that's the man, not the city - see how stupid it is naming a city after your son?). This meant that God really had to be making more women as a hobby, otherwise they would all be related and people would be screwing their own brothers and sisters. However, things were different back then so maybe marrying your own sister was okay. You were even allowed to have more than one wife without God telling you it was a sin. So basically, it looks like God had filled the world full of fucking Mormons. Meanwhile, back in Eden, Steve had split up with Adam and gone into therapy because he couldn't cope with the trauma of having no traceable parents. Adam and Eve were 130 years old by now but she was still tight as a duck's arse at fifty fathoms, and had picked up a few new positions, so they got stuck in, like rabbits in a cage. Eve had another baby, and while she was hoping for a daughter, she was out of luck for the third time in a row. So if you were wondering if Cain's wife was his sister, the answer is no. For it is written that this is how the world started to fill up with people, but like a good mystery we don't know what happened in some parts of the story because God forgot to write it in the Bible. So we have to guess about the bits where men find wives, because so far nobody we know has actually had a baby girl. So either everyone was gay, or there were a lot of worried-looking sheep in those days. Do you like the mysterious parts of the Bible, children? Mysteries are lots of fun, and the Bible is so full of them it's hard to tell if something is real or make-believe. Can you tell the difference yet? |
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