Back in Eden, just outside the Garden, Adam and Eve were playing happy families. Badly.

"This coat stinks like a dingo's arsehole," Eve moaned. "I don't know what the fuck God was smoking when he thought I'd wear this thing."

Although God still showed no signs of forgiving them for the heinous crime of stealing one poxy fruit from a whole tree of them, he couldn't resist sending Adam and Eve a little something on their joint birthday. So far both were sporting an oversized 'I am 6' badge and those mitten things joined with string to stop you losing them. God clearly had yet to grasp the concept of bypassing childhood and creating fully-formed adults in one day.

Adam cast an expert eye over Eve's new garment. "That is a dingo's arsehole, you silly cow. I should know, I gave them all their names. Yep, definitely dingo."

"If this is God's idea of a joke, he needs to start wearing a red nose and baggy pants," Eve snapped. "I am not wearing anything that used to be wrapped round some kind of dog."

"Dingo, not dog," Adam pointed out.

"Well thank you Mr Animal Planet, who's fucking side are you on anyway?" Eve dropped the coat and inspected the clothing she had, albeit reluctantly, decided to wear. 'Fur bikini' were the two words which described it best.

"I feel like a fucking reject from One Million Years B.C. All we need now are some dinosaurs and my miserable, shitty life will be complete."

"Shhh, they'll hear you!" Adam pointed at a nearby pair of tyrannosaurus rexes out hunting for carrots, and shook his head sadly. "You'd think God would have given them flat teeth instead of fangs and talons. Seems a bit stupid for a vegetarian."

"God works in mysterious ways," agreed Eve. "Probably cos he's a fucking weirdo."

"Have you thought any more about us moving house?" asked Adam. "That sword is making a right old racket, and the fucking cherubim had a karaoke night last night and kept the baby awake, the bastards."

"Aww, Abel quite likes the sword," Eve pointed out. God had cut them off from the Garden of Eden with an enormous flaming scimitar, which waved in front of the Tree of Life like a Cylon's eyeball. "The whooshing noise gets him to sleep. And until you work out how to make fire, we need it to light the cooker for dinner. Talking of which, it's sprouts and turnips again tonight."

Adam groaned. "Don't blame me if I'm farting all night. All this veggie bollocks plays havoc with my pipework. I could murder a meat pie." He eyed the passing dinosaurs and felt his mouth water. "Just think how many steaks you could get out of one of those buggers."

"You're starting to sound like Cain," Eve smiled.

"What, a bloodthirsty little bastard who'd beat a puppy to death if he thought he could play a tune on it?"

"He's not that bad. He likes planting things, you can't take that away from him."

Adam frowned. "He likes burying things you mean. Bashing their brains out with the vegetables he grows is not normal for a kid his age. We can't keep hiding the bodies from God. Cain's already made thirty species of mammals extinct, and I can't keep using the 'I stepped on it' excuse. It was touch and go with the Mexican tigers - I think God's starting to get suspicious. I'm sure he's watching us."

"God is always watching us," said Eve, "so remember that the next time you scratch your balls and sniff your fingers."

"Well God can fuck off and mind his own business. You'd think he'd have something better to do. Like invent air conditioning for one thing. I don't know how you cope, wearing all that fur."

Eve opened the last of the parcels left outside the Garden by God, and slipped on a tight, zebra-skin dress with a plunging neck-line and matching shoes.

"Hmm. Do you think these stripes makes me look fat?"

Adam looked at Eve with the keen eye of a pig farmer solving quadratic equations. "No, of course not." She twirled around, pleased, but Adam continued, "You don't need that dress to make you look fat, you've got a massive arse, thighs like a horse, and you've had two kids, so the stretch marks match the dress anyway. Stripes making you look fat are the least of your worries."

And lo, Eve was sorely vexed by accusations that she had a weight problem, for despite conceding an addiction to four-cheese pizza and peanut butter sandwiches, Adam was thereafter called bastard and dipshit and butt munch. In those days there came to pass a great and bloody injury to Adam's nuts, and yea, though Adam did begat Cain and Abel at a young age, he was pushing 130 before he got laid again. And yet he did not weep, for God had made a new friend for Adam, who he called Steve. Yea, it happened that they did live in a nice river-side apartment together, and exchanged fashion tips and bodily fluids for many, many years. And henceforth the land of Eden was happy, and joyous, and gay.