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BS proof of God's existence
Argument From Don't Be Imprisoned By Your Own Logic
Consider this
Which is it, is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's? Friedrich Nietzsche
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The more I look at religion, the more I dislike it and what it does to the world and its people. This blog will help you understand why religion is something you shouldn't accept as a good thing in our lives. Above all, don't respect religious beliefs when their practitioners refuse to respect you.
I'm going to have to add a disclaimer here, because obviously you don't have to be a Bible-fondling Christian to be offended by the content of my blasphemous Bible stories. I'm writing these stories for my own entertainment, and of course for anyone else who wants to read them, and will be returning to my usual religious criticism blogs as and when I have something to say. But for now, it's on with the smut, the filth and, most important of all, the blasphemy. If you don't like it, please exercise your democratic right to fuck off somewhere else! Oh yeah, the disclaimer: beware, naughty words and scenes of a cheeky nature ahead... The Talking Snake Fucks It Up For Everyone Genesis 3 - Adam and Eve get fucked over by a dodgy python with legs Remember God's night of booze and strippers? Well, the old bastard had only had two hours' sleep before he started work the next day, so fuck-ups were guaranteed. Sure enough, without realising it, he only went and made a snake with legs, the daft twat. Not only that, it fucking talked too. Hello, fucktard alert! Pissed-up God in the building. Too late, and now a talking snake was walking around in the fucking Garden of Eden, heading right towards Adam and Eve. Despite being a freak of nature, old Snakey knew a decent piece of skirt when he saw it, especially when skirts hadn't been thought up yet, and Eve was sitting there with her tits out and the wind whistling through her tuna taco, so he fancied his chances of a quick knee trembler behind the fig trees. As he lurched closer (the legs took some getting used to), it was all he could do to stop himself knocking one out there and then, but he thought he'd try the subtle approach first. "Fancy a fuck, love?" he said, licking his eyebrows suggestively. Obviously Eve knew fuck all about sex, her being Catholic and a virgin, so she asked the snake what he meant. "See that fruit?" The snake pointed at the forbidden tree. "Take a bite and you'll be totally fucked, I promise you." "But God told us not to eat the fruit," said Eve. "That old cunt? What does he know? Go on, give it a go." He nodded towards Eve's well-aired watering hole. "Did God tell you what that's for?" Eve looked down, then shook her head. "Not really, he just told me he'd put something special in it every day and that I should keep it clean and well-trimmed." "Yeah I bet he did, the sick fuck. Well look, if you eat the fruit you'll know exactly what it's for and then you and me can have some fun finding out how it works. How about it?" "Well... okay, I suppose it wouldn't hurt." "If it doesn't hurt I won't be doing it right," the snake hissed under his breath, and sighed as the young woman bit into a particularly ripe fruit from the forbidden tree. "Anything happening?" he asked. "Tastes like... er, like shit actually." Eve spat out some of the fruit. "Fuck me, it's as rancid as an old man's cock cheese! What the fucking hell did you want me to eat that crap for, you evil little bastard?" Snake boy grinned. "That was quick! I told you something would happen didn't I? Any chance of a quickie? I'll take it easy if it's your first time." In disgust Eve swung a short, sharp right hook and caught the snake right in the kisser. "Fuck off shorty, I want a real man up my snatch, and here he comes now." Sure enough, Adam wandered over and sat down next to Eve. "Hi Eve, hi Snake. Ooh, nasty cut on that lip, Mr Snake. Eve? Eve, what are you doing?" On cue Eve had begun to use her newly found snake charming skills. Either that or she was trying to clean her teeth with a pink toothbrush. Either way, she soon realised that something was missing. 'Big hard cock' was her first guess, and one out of three wasn't doing it for her. Adam needed some divine inspiration. In a flash she pushed some of the evil-tasting fruit into Adam's mouth and forced him to chew, swallow and stick his tongue out to prove it was all gone. "Nice?" Adam grimaced. Then he frowned. Then he smiled from ear to ear. "Not as nice as your tits, you sexy little fucker!" And he chased her into the woods, where they did unspeakable things for many hours, watched only by a partially hidden five-legged snake. At least it looked like he had five legs, but for some reason one of them didn't quite reach the ground, although for some reason the snake seemed to be furiously trying to stretch it out as he watched. When Adam woke up later, Eve had been busy and had stitched some leaves together for them both to wear. Adam put his on and looked at it, frowning. "What the fuck is this?" "I call it a 'posing pouch'," she said. "Mine is called 'crotchless panties and peephole bra'. You like?" Adam liked. It was three days before anyone saw either of them again. God was on the warpath. "Where the fuck have they got to? Adaaaam! Eeeeeve! Get your scrawny arses out here, pronto!" Finally he found them, half hidden in the bushes, next to a pile of unusually shaped fruit and veg. Eve was just wiping something away from the corner of her mouth, while Adam, who had the munchies, had already finished three pieces of toast and a bowl of cornflakes. "You two have been gone for three fucking days," said God. "Want to tell me what you've been doing?" Eve blushed. "Er, the usual." Adam shrugged. "Stuff. Not much." God was having none of it, and detected definite signs of saddle-soreness in both of them as they walked towards him. "You dirty little fuckers! Who told you what to do with that? He pointed at Adam's used and abused wedding tackle, but did a double-take when he realised it was strapped tightly into a skimpy, leaf-green number. "Adam, what the fuck is that? And... shit! Eve! You're covered up. I can't even see your tits anymore. You whore!" Eve arched a critical eyebrow. "Er, I don't think that makes much sense, old man. I put clothes on and suddenly I'm Eden's easy lay? Fuck you, you just want to stare at my melons while you jack off, you dirty perv. You can fuck right off with that idea. These babies are for Adam. Right, babe?" "Deffo," agreed Adam. He gave one of the ample cushions a friendly squeeze. "Sweeter than the fruit on that stupid tree of yours anyway, Dog man. Er, God man. Whatever." "You ate the fruit from the forbidden tree? You ate the fruit from my fucking tree when I abso-fucking-lutely told you never to eat it?" Little sparks of electricity shot between the ends of God's fingertips. "It wasn't all that," shrugged Adam. "Tasted like crap actually. And I only ate it because she gave it to me." He pointed at Eve, who took all of two seconds to realise that God's furious gaze was now directed entirely at her. In a sudden fright she felt a little drop of wee escape into her leafy knickers. "It wasn't me, it wasn't me! It was the snake! The snake made me do it! And anyway I have the right to remain silent." "Like fuck you do!" God howled, dragging the pair of them by the hair and throwing them to the floor. "You are in so much shit you don't even know it! Adam and Eve, you are banished from the Garden of Eden forever." There was a pause. Adam looked up. "That's it?" God frowned. "What were you expecting?" "Well you told us we were going to die if we ate the fruit." "I say a lot of things," God shrugged. "Just get the fuck out of my Garden and don't come back." And yea, they went hence from the Garden of Eden, and camped just outside, because it was just the same outside the Garden as in it - same plants, same trees, same animals. All they could wish for, really, but without God breathing down their necks every five minutes. And the snake? Well, a day or two later they saw him slithering by on his belly. Slithering because God had cut his legs off and made a set of novelty napkin rings out of them. The poor little fucker's balls had been ripped off, bashed flat with a club hammer, and re-attached to his head in a kind of hood-like arrangement. From that day forward he was known as the 'dick-headed cobra'. Needless to say, not many people called him that within biting range. Meanwhile Adam and Eve were still not altogether sure why God had let them off so lightly. "He's planning something," said Adam. "I know it." "You worry too much," said Eve, smiling. "After all, we only did one thing wrong, and that was just eating some fruit. Fucking hell, it's not as if he's going to punish us for the rest of our lives is it? He'll forgive us in a day or so. A week, tops." Adam nodded, "You're probably right." His expression changed to a sly grin. "So while we're waiting do you want to try some of that forbidden knowledge with my evil snake?" "I'd love to, but I can't." Eve sighed. "I'm feeling a bit cranky and I have cramps down below. I think I've just come on." Turning to each other in realisation, their jaws dropped. "Fuck!" |
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