In the beginning there was fuck all. So God got the fuck out of bed, had a piss and a cup of tea, smoked a joint, and started making the Heavens and the Earth. Why? Cos he was fucking bored and it was something to do, that's why. Who's telling this story, me or you? Don't be such a nosy bastard or I'll get God to break your legs.

Anyway, the Earth he made was total shite to be honest and dark as a camel's bum hole, so God said, "Let's have some fucking light then shall we?" and he made some, just like that. The clever fucker! Fucking easy it was. Anything God wanted, he just had to say the fucking word and it happened, because besides being awesome, God is also a smug, self-righteous, annoying twat.

God was fucking livid cos there was still some darkness fucking up his light, all over it like a pitbull chewing on a baby. So he grabbed it by the balls and kicked the shit out of it. "Stay the fuck away from my Day, you cunt! One more move out of you and you're fucking dead." God called the darkness Night, but he'd half considered calling it Bastard.

Next day the whole place was piss wet through with water. Fucking everywhere, it was. "I'm not having this shite," said God, "this is getting on my fucking nerves now, I wish I'd never fucking started." He parted the waters with his bare hands, then smacked one half in the face and knocked it into the sky, kicked the crap out of the other half until it fell down to the Earth like a dead dog, and fucked off back home for a dry set of clothes and a few hours in front of the telly. "No fucker gets me wet on day two," he snarled.

Day three, and God was on a roll. "You want dry land? No fucking problem, it's done." And he was such a clever cunt that making the land created the seas at the same time. "How fucking good is that? I'll tell you - it's fucking good, that's how good that is."

"I'm not fucking done yet, you bastards. Watch this." And before he'd even sat down to have a shit, God made all the green stuff in the world, fucking millions of trees and plants, even though half the crap you couldn't tell what it was, there was so much of it. It might not have won a poxy gold medal at the Chelsea Flower Show, but for a first fucking go it wasn't half bad.

"All this fruit is making me fucking hungry," said God, and he grabbed a couple of bananas and a pineapple. "I fucking love bananas, but how the fuck do I get into this bastard?" he said, looking at the pineapple like it was some shit on the bottom of his shoe. "What a fucking nightmare! Ah bollocks to it, I'm off to get some shut-eye, I'm totally fucked."

Next morning God was aching like a bastard and having a few second thoughts. "I must be fucking mad starting all this on my own. I should have got the fucking builders in, it's too much like hard work." And God had an extra hour's lie in, because he's God and no fucker was going to tell him any different.

When he finally got his lazy arse out of bed and into his work clothes, God realised his schedule was completely fucked up, and he'd have to work a double shift to make up the time. "What the fuck? How many stars do I have to make? Fuuuuuuck!" And God put his foot down and worked like a bastard until the sky was full of twinkly little stars. "What a fucking shit job that was! That's the last time I do that," he said. "I'll put up some fucking wallpaper next time."

God had some star stuff left over so he stuck it just far enough away from the Earth so that he could relax and get a nice tan. "This is the fucking life!" said God, rubbing sun cream on his man tits, and picking the fluff out of his belly button. He looked at the huge ball of navel wreckage and shrugged. "Waste not, want not." He chucked it up into the sky and sent it flying round the Earth. "Three fucking points! Get in there, Moon boy! And by the time any fucker works out how to land on it, it'll have dried up and gone hard."

And God drank tequila and was sick in the pool, slept through day five, and woke up in the middle of the night, mysteriously surrounded by a world full of birds, fish, and lap dancing angels who wanted paying in cash.

When day six came around God felt like a mad gorilla had pissed in his mouth and messed up his hair, but it couldn't have been that because he hadn't made the fucking animals yet. That reminded him what he was supposed to do on day six, but you know what it's like when you get a fucking hangover, you balls things up, big time. Inbetween puking up his ring, God had spent two days as pissed as a pirate, and managed to make mammals that lay eggs, birds that can't fly, and air-breathers living in the sea. What a complete fucktard! Don't even mention the fucking dinosaurs - the plans were in metric and God used feet and inches, which is why they were so fucking enormous. Bollocks!

God saw that he'd fucked up, but said it was good anyway. And like the last time, if you want to argue, it's your fucking crown jewels he'll be burning on the fire, infidel boy.

"I can't be fucking bothered with all this shit anymore," said God. "I need some idiot I can put in charge while I'm back on my cloud." He was still a bit groggy but he'd managed to eat a few bacon sandwiches, which had just about settled his stomach. "Oh fuck, I'm all out of DNA, I'll have to use dust instead."

And God made man. He looked like God, sounded like God, and had the same nasty habits as God. In other words, he was a complete cunt. As an afterthought God made a woman, with long hair, nice tits, and lips that could suck a golf ball out of a bendy hosepipe. If nothing else, he now had his own DIY porn channel, and decided to watch the two of them every minute of every day. So that they did some actual work rather than just fucking each other silly, God made it so that the man couldn't get it up more than 2 or 3 times a day. For God created man in his own image... but if you mentioned his droopy dick problem in public he'd beat seven shades of shit out of you.

"Right. Adam, you're in charge of the Earth, you little twat, so don't go fucking it all up and breaking anything. Eve, you just stand around and stick your chest out now and again, and if you feel something hard and invisible inside you, just say 'Oh God' until it goes away. Got that, bitch?"

"Oh yeah, and before I forget, neither of you touch my fruit tree or I'll rip your arms off and beat you with the soggy ends. Okay, now fuck off and let me enjoy my day off."

And God saw all that he had made and it was fucking awesome. For God rocks like a hurricane and then some, and this story is exactly how it happened and 100% true. So don't you fucking forget it.