If your feet smell, don't go to a mosque. And don't even bother with spicy food if you're thinking of worshipping the mighty bearded one. How do we know? Muhammad said so, that's how:

Whoever eats onions, garlic or leeks, let him not approach our mosque, for the angels are annoyed by the same things that annoy the sons of Adam.

Obviously, if you come out of a pub having had several pints, go round the corner for a donner kebab, smoke a pack of 40 Marlboros, and get a bit of a sweat on by walking a couple of miles to the mosque, you're probably not going to get past the bouncers on the door.

But something tells me that the above description rarely fits any of the Muslims I've seen, and those who do that kind of thing are much more likely to be praying to the great god Ralph (or Huey) on their knees before the great, white, porcelain telephone.

I'm still looking for the hadith on farting in the mosque, by the way. All that nose-to-tail genuflecting is sure to mean that one or two sneaky windy-pops are unavoidable. The secret is to breathe out through the nose when your head is down, in through the mouth as you rise up. Muhammad said that too. Probably