The Catholics may think they're clever when they invent sneaky rules to allow their flock to get a divorce, while disguising it as something else (see the previous post), but for in-depth, comprehensive religious laws, Islam leaves those pope kissers eating their holy dust.

Islam takes the concept of rule-making and fine print to a whole new, and insanely detailed, level althogether. Muslims have rules for everything, and I mean everything, so many in fact that the ordinary Muslim could not possibly remember what is haraam (forbidden by Allah) or halal (okay with him) in every single circumstance. This leads to much confusion and guilt, and to the asking of really important questions like...

Is it forbidden to shit towards Mecca?

It comes as no surprise that many great scholars of Islam have looked deep into this dark and murky subject, poked it with the stick of truth, and trod on it with the sandle of enlightenment. But mostly they seem to have looked in the hadith and read about Mohammed's numerous trips to the toilet, before coming up with some varied, often conflicting, opinions.

On the one hand, if there's a wall between you and the holiest place in Islam, some say it's okay to squeeze one out. But if you're in a field, with Allah's cool breeze caressing your straining cheek muscles, it's best to point your fudge tunnel at a tangent to the Kaaba (the black, cube-like building in Mecca). To be safe, the general opinion seems to be that, wherever you are, you should never syphon the python either facing directly towards Mecca, or indeed facing away. Identical rules apply for 'number twos', or 'taking the kids to the pool' as we call it in these parts.

So it seems that you must be squatting at a jaunty angle with respect to the Kaaba at all times. I did try to find out if it's okay to give a cheeky wink towards Islam's holiest place once the last piece has plopped out, but was unable to find any solid rules, or even slightly runny ones. You probably shouldn't try it, just in case. Allah may be a stickler for personal hygiene, but he isn't known for his sense of humour.

You don't need to take my word for it. Many different rules and opinions have been given by worthy scholars, who probably always leave the seat up. Here's an example:

And it was narrated that Ibn 'Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: One day I climbed up on the roof of the house of Hafsah and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was relieving himself, facing towards Syria, with his back towards the Ka'bah. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, Muslim and the authors of al-Sunan.

So that settles it - don't point it towards Mecca, but if you know where Syria is, piss in that direction instead. The only question remaining is: why was Mohammed taking a whizz on the roof of a house?

If you think I'm making it up, here's a link. - these are genuine Islamic teachings. Silly religion, silly rules. The fact that someone has to think carefully about offending God even before they have a dump speaks volumes. And don't forget, Allah says that Muslims can only wipe with their left hand. If you're right handed, try that yourself next time you're in the smallest room (if you have long fingernails, don't even go there).

See more Muslim toilet rules here, and notice this fine reason for recommending Islam as the one true religion:

Do you know of any other religion or system in the world that has brought laws like this? This is enough, by Allaah, to prove its perfection and beauty, and the necessity of following it.

In other words, Islam is perfect and beautiful because it teaches you the right way to shit.

Watch out for future articles in this series, where I shall be discussing the correct protocol for farting in someone's face while praying at the mosque. This has been a production of 'Green Eggs and Haraam, Inc'.